Understanding

Before the day ends, all I wanted to do is cry.

I received my first suspension at work. Blame all the tardiness I’ve been accumulating over the past months. It’s payback time.

It hurts. Although I’m completely aware that there’s no one to blame but myself.

Of 15 years I spent in school, I was never given any form of disciplinary action. I never excelled in class but I can proudly claim that I’m well-behaved, disciplined and have been observant of rules and regulations.

Prior to this suspension, I can proudly claim that I have a very clean slate at work. In my first few years of working, I even collected monthly perfect attendance awards. I was almost a contender for the annual award, if only fever and flu did not struck me a month before the year ended. In terms of output and productivity, I believe that I’m doing well. I may not produce the best outputs but I’ve never been the source of worries and headaches of present and past superiors. I comply with deadlines. I produce what is expected from me. I have also been a good colleague. I hated a few, but I never committed anything against them. I had my share of petty misunderstandings with a few, but I was able to resolve things on my own.  I was able to iron out things even without the assistance of my superiors. I have been unfairly treated, but I’ve never avenged. I was never complained for inefficiency, insubordination and all those offenses against person.

Okay, I’m trying to uplift myself. I’m trying to make myself believe that I’m not a total mess. I screwed up myself but I’m not an embarrassment. But then again, no matter how much I convince myself, I will not deny that this has been the lowest point of my career life. I feel like a stupid and useless crap.

When my Boss presented the suspension order issued by the HR, I easily accepted it. I accepted my fate. I was even given the freedom to choose the dates of my two-day suspension. It will be next week. I was actually not surprised with the suspension. I knew it was coming. But like my other experiences, everything feels different once it happens. True enough, after  I signed and accepted my suspension order, I was  controlling my tears. My initial defense mechanism was to salvage my remaining self-esteem. I filed for week long leave immediately after my two-day suspension.

To console myself, I invited a few friends to eat out a while ago. I also have another source of frustration prior to receiving my suspension order. I just came home from a “failed” trip abroad. I should be blogging about this, but destiny made other plans. The suspension is obviously more compelling. I was laughing the entire time while having dinner with my friends. My friends probably felt that I’m fine. I’m not sure if anyone of them were able to sense it. Deep inside however, I wanted to cry. This is how it feels to become a stupid disappointment. It didn’t help that my friends counted all the privileges that will be taken away from me after the suspension. All the more I felt bitter and inferior. Before parting ways, one of them offered a stupid suggestion of going to Tagaytay.  I just smiled but deep inside, I wanted to scream. WTF! All the more I would look so pathetic. I love traveling but seriously, I wouldn’t use it as a scapegoat for my low moments. I even wanted to return the question, would you even see yourself going to Tagaytay on your own? Given that I will be losing my two-day salary, spending more will definitely not work.

Before I left the office my boss offered another working schedule. He told me to adjust my reporting time from 8:30 am to 9:00 am. I said yes or I’ll think about it. I’m not really sure, I can’t remember the reply I uttered. Truth to be told, I wanted to render a different response. I wanted to tell the real reason why I’ve been accumulating all those tardiness records.

I’m losing my drive to work for the company.

It would be painful to utter those words. But no matter how much I deny it, it’s the truth. I wish I was wrong. But this is where myself leads me.

I feel that it’s already mission accomplished for me for the company.

I’m no longer needed.

I don’t see future in my current company.

I don’t see myself growing in the company.

I’m on the dead end.

There’s no more for me in the company.

The company will surely survive without me.

No more promotion.

No more opportunities.

How I wish I was able to tell my Boss the real reasons behind my tardiness.  The motivation and drive to work is losing me. I feel like a candle that gradually loses its flame.

I don’t need an adjustment in my working schedule. How I wish my Boss is sensitive enough to figure out at least half of my sentiments. I doubt. All the reports I’ve submitted. All the presentations I successfully made. These can never point any clue about my real sentiments.

I don’t need another set of pathetic words of consolation. I’m not ready for unsolicited advises.

I wish my family, friends and Boss and people around me can sense and understand how I feel.

Midyear Reflections

I haven’t been blogging here lately. As proof to this, I almost thought I wouldn’t remember my username and password. Haha I was also surprised with the number of registered followers. Seriously, did I deceive 168 people to follow me? Haha Thanks to everyone who landed here and decided to hit that follow button below. I haven’t been blog hopping lately because I’m too occupied with work. I guess at some point, I’m not really busy. The not-so-better excuse is I’m so poor in time management. Worst of worst, I’m getting worst over time.

I still have tons of work to do. But then again, maybe I’m just too disorganized. I’m handling a new subject. I have freelance work inquiries. I have to extract my creative juices for a new venture with a friend. Best of all, it’s 4:39 pm and I haven’t taken a bath. Haha Beat that! My excuse, I was up until 2 am and I took a shower before I hit bed.

Setting aside my current concerns, the main reason why I’m here is to document my midyear reflections. Half of the year passed, I intend to determine my achievements (if there’s any), frustrations and struggles I continue to battle.

The year started with a lot of freelance works. I never expected them. I was serving four clients in a span of three months. The additional earnings were great! My greatest investment for these projects is the much needed shower heater at home. Other than that, as expected, my poor financial management skills prevailed. For those who know me well, you can sense that I had my confessions of a shopaholic again. In particular, I went overboard with my online shopping. My Auntie who resides abroad will finally return for good here. It didn’t help that we chat in FB most of the time because she willingly provided her US address. I took advantage of the opportunity to buy from the US based online stores I used to stalk. As a result, I have three new bags coming over the next months. Yes I was able to eliminate credit card balances but as always, there were additions and it will take more time to totally escape from this bad habit.

Credit cards are still a struggle. I was able to eliminate a huge credit card balance from my freelance earnings. Problem is there are other cards and the evil interest rates are killing me. As of date, I’m still struggling but I guess, I’m way better than my status last year.

My tardiness records are killing me. I know deep inside that waking up early is not the struggle. It’s hard for me to admit it but I know, part of me is no longer challenged with my current job. I’m serving the same company for 10 years. Though I transferred to different offices, part of me feels that my mission here is already over. The resignation of closest friends also convinces me that I should move on. I never tell them, but part of me feels hurt whenever they say negative things about the company. They make me feel like a pathetic and useless loser. Yes, I’m not working for a perfect company. However, I still believe that my second home is not as bad as it seems.

I completed a major documentation project at work. This project convinced me that I’m not after all the worst employee. I have beaten my tardiness records for some time. I reported for work as early as 6 am and leave work as late as 10 pm.

I opened a new business venture with a friend. We have a candy buffet business and will have our first client soon. One thing I realized, I’m perhaps not meant for business partnerships. The business made me realize that I’m really meant for my freelance writing works. I hate to explain and prove myself, especially when I’m sure that I’m right. I hate it that I need to win arguments. I hate exhausting myself for an entire day in Divisoria. A little note: I don’t hate Divisoria. It’s a haven for all businesses. I just hate the fact that I have to endure the scorching heat of the sun, walk the crowded streets, deal with rude sellers and climb endless stairs of the train station after a long day.

I opened my own eBay shop. I should have done this for the longest time. Before, I used to simply give away my old stuff. I never realized that I can make some money with all the shopaholic attacks I made. So far, I’m still learning to untangle the business practices in eBay. I made some accounting and discovered that I have profited around Php 2,000. Win win situation for me and my buyers. I was able to declutter, earn some money and give items to people who will need them more.

If I will be asked how my 2014 is going, I have to say that everything is relatively stable. I still bear the same credit card struggle. I have an achievement from my documentation project and freelance works. I learned something new. Other than these, I’m thankful because I’m blessed with good health, despite my overweight problems. I still have my family and my 30 year old self is still trying to figure out my future route and path.

It’s finally over

It has been a challenging week. Everything that happened since Monday gave me a year long quota of worries and pressure. I swear and I’m not exaggerating!

I report for work before 8 am and end the day earliest at 9 pm. I was working more than 12 hours for a week. Everything went worst when I had the need to bring home the work. I sacrificed sleep. There were days when I have to be thankful for two hours of sleep. I was feeling my blood pressure dropping to that perfect two digit rate again. I never bothered to check my BP because it would surely add up to my worries. While writing this post, I realized that this was so far that the greatest sacrifice I made for work. Let me enumerate some of the reasons.

  1. There were several days when I forgot about my lunch breaks. I was too focused with our deadline.
  2. In the middle of the week, I felt a stabbing pain near my abdomen. I later realized the reason. It has been more than 6 hours when I last had my kidney break. Beat that!
  3. I woke up with the heaviest arms. It felt like tons of sandbags were attached on my arms. Blame it on the prolonged hours of using the computer.
  4. I felt a bit impaired because of the rough pain on my hands. I collected a lot of paper cuts.
  5. My legs and thighs pained the worst. On the last days of the week, I have to walk and beg for printers from other offices. I have to work while standing to monitor all the printers working. Lesson learned: I have high respect to all sales personnel in shopping malls.

All the sacrifices are now over. Thank God! I don’t have regrets because we were able to beat our deadliest deadline. What I really wanted to write are the few things this experience taught me.

  1. I tend to become snobbish during crunch time. Sorry naman. 😉 No joke ever appealed to me that time. I guess this is my coping mechanism. Instead of ranting and complaining, I’d rather keep quiet and get things done.
  2. The printer can feel the stress and pressure. Expect this to happen so during crunch time, don’t blame the malfunctioning printer.
  3. I still love my job. I cannot count how many posts contained my sentiments about working and staying in my current employer. I will not deny that I’ve been called to leave my comfort zone several times. The past week made me realize that I still have the fiery energy and determination to make things happen.
  4. As much as I don’t want to use influence, it really helps when you have friends from key offices. It is easier to seek favors and expedite unusual requests.
  5. NOTE: THIS LESSON GOES OUT TO ALL THE SUPERIORS, SUPERVISORS AND BOSSES around. BE THANKFUL FOR SINGLE and pathetic EMPLOYEES. (Note again: I don’t mean to underestimate the capabilities of married employees. In like manner, I don’t impose the conclusion to all single employees.) Modesty aside, you can easily impose unlimited and unpaid overtime work to single employees.
  6. You will always have insensitive colleagues. Don’t get me started 😉 Let me relate my frustration by saying how much I miss my first colleagues from my previous department.The spirit of teamwork and all for one, one for all was thriving in us. When someone is      drowning with work, everyone willingly obliged to offer a hand. The Boss doesn’t need to remind or pinpoint someone. I remember how my friend T would always approach me. “You need help?” “What can I do for you?” “You want me to buy you lunch?”

It has been a different story in my current department. How would you feel when your lone colleague is busy looking for a live NBA stream, when you and your Boss are dying inside a torture chamber of deadline?

Oh well, the last realization made me feel some blood rising to my head. Chill Diane! Haha

At the end of the day, I’m just so thankful that the past week was FINALLY OVER.

The day I cried for my Father

I intend to spend the past holiday at home. It should have been a great break because yesterday was pay day. Unfortunately, the piles of bills to pay swept everything. I planned to spend the entire day at home. I should get more sleep, read books, and drown myself with entertaining drama series.

I woke up with a number of text messages from my cousin. She was requesting me to treat Grandpa for merienda. I admit. I wasn’t happy. This is not the time to spend because I have nothing to spend in the first place. I initially avoided the conversation. I answered my cousin’s other queries. In the middle of our exchange of messages, I learned that another cousin volunteered to treat Grandpa, much to my relief. Unfortunately, the treat didn’t push through. I don’t know what happened on my cousin’s end. I was pissed off to some extent because my cousin never bothered to explain what happened. I was left hanging and waiting.

When weekend came, I was surprised with a photo of Grandpa tagged in my Facebook account. I learned that the “not-so-legal” partner of another cousin took Grandpa to his favourite restaurant along Sto. Domingo Church. I should have been happy for Grandpa and thankful for my other cousin. He and his partner did a great favour for us. However, my heart was telling otherwise. I felt cheated and frustrated. My financial struggle took away an opportunity to spend time and create those priceless memories with Grandpa.

Days passed, I forgot everything. I thought I was fine not until I learned that my Father personally thanked my other cousin. The exact words uttered by my Father to my cousin,

Nilabas mo pala ang Lolo mo. Salamat ha. Pasensiya na kayo ha. Hindi ko na kayang ilibre ang Lolo niyo. Wala na kasi akong trabaho.

(Thank you for the taking time to bring your Grandpa to his favorite restaurant. Pardon your Uncle’s financial incapability. I don’t anymore have work and income to treat your Grandpa.)

My Father’s humble words of appreciation to my cousin stabbed my heart. I was pierced to pieces. I excused myself and rush to the bathroom. Tears are welling up. I have to salvage my remaining pride and self-esteem. I have to look strong and unaffected even in front of my own mother.

My Father’s words reminded me of my failure. In my previous post, I selfishly bragged about my untainted work ethics. No one can ever accuse me of engaging in some questionable activities. I feed my family with nothing but hardwork. At the end of the day however, it made me realize how far can my honor and dignity take me? Can it pay bills? Can it give me that protection in times of accidents and sicknesses? Can it build my much needed savings account? Can it give me and my family a better life? Can people recognize this as proof that my parents did a great job? I hate to admit it but in the case of my family, financial wealth is always the indicator of successful parenting.

Maybe this entire post boils down to my financial struggle. Maybe I’m just really jealous and frustrated. Whatever it is, my wish remains the same. I just want to have enough and live happy.

Another ending

I shouldn’t be blogging today. I’m too occupied with my teaching tasks. I said many times before that this is the part of teaching I hate. Checking papers, tracing deficiencies, and encoding grades. I should be working but in the middle of the working day, I received a very sad news.

My lone best friend at the workplace is leaving.

She is tendering her resignation less than a month from now. When my best friend uttered the words, “mag-re-resign na ako,” it felt like my heart stopped beating.  I was drowned by the fact that she is leaving and I’m left behind. I held my tears, I smiled but deep inside, I’m weeping.

I met my best friend at the workplace in 2005. I joined the Research team a year ahead of her. Back then, there were usually 4 to 5 people that form the Research Team. Over time, our colleagues eventually found better lives and career in other companies. We ended as the remaining members of the original Research Team. Years after, I was one of those employees affected by the job rotation. I was transferred to Corporate Planning under a great boss. My separation with my best friend entailed working two doors away from her place. Call me too emotional and sensitive, but that separation already gave me months of adjustment.  I was looking forward for lunch breaks because that was the only time we were together.

Oftentimes, I rant and my best friend would patiently listen.  We would share gossips and laugh out the silliest things at the workplace. I was living and enjoying the same routine for SEVEN YEARS. I was having lunch with the same person everyday… for seven years.  We would alternately eat at the school canteen, Jollibee, Greenwich, Chow King, Chicken Bacolod to the cheapest snack houses outside the school. Those lunches made my growing up years as a uniformed corporate slave.

And this day, my seven years would change in less than a month….

I’m not just losing a lunch buddy. I’m losing a best friend. I’m losing a part of myself. Just when half of my life is unstable and I’m being attacked by my quarter life crisis again, one of my security blankets is taken away..

Goodbye Customized Blog Theme

This blog has earned me a significant amount of money last year. I used to receive sponsored posts from this website. I was tasked to publish a post that relates my personal experience to a particular product brand. Sounds easy but the opposite happens in reality. One reason is the kind of products I have to write. I have to relate fire trucks, tile cement, shaver brush, plumber services, and bankruptcy lawyers to my personal life?!? How about that? My efforts and forced creativity paid off because for the first time, I was able to prove that online earnings are true. Unfortunately, my happiness abruptly ended. Before the year ended, my blog was removed from the website’s pool of writers. I suspect that the low page ranking and readership accounted for my exclusion.

I wanted to reward this blog for all the earnings it gave me. The first reward I gave was the domain name. It was successful except for the additional fee that surprised me. Aside from buying the domain name, I discovered the additional expenditure for the mapping fee. Nevertheless, I paid and still enjoying the dot com of my blog.

After the domain name, I wanted a makeover for my blog. While WordPress.com offers premium themes, I find it too expensive for a minimum of $ 30. I searched other sites that offer personalized wordpress themes for less. It was then when I was led to Esty, the wonderful world of everything handmade. I found a nice pre-made design template specific for wordpress. I purchased the theme and waited for the seller’s feedback.

Days after, the Etsy seller finally responded and worked on my newly purchased theme. I was later surprised with an information I carelessly overlooked. Turns out, I CAN’T CUSTOMIZE THE THEME FOR A WORDPRESS.COM ACCOUNT. I have to shift to WORDPRESS.ORG to install a customized theme. I was willing to shift except for the fact that wordpress.org demands an annual fee of $18. What da?!

So there, I have to forget my dream of installing a customized theme for this blog. Lesson learned, dream did not come true.

Emotionally Fragile, please handle with care

I just need two more days to report for work. This is a rare privilege I own because yours truly works for a school. This is my favourite time of the year. But for 2013, it seems not. Maybe I’ve been so used to this pattern or routine. Hence, the excitement and happiness are no longer the same. I’m not feeling the same Christmas atmosphere back when I was starting to work. Oh well, maybe this is still an aftermath of my previous post.

While everyone here is no longer in the mood to work, I’m going against the tide. I have other plans. I want to finish checking the endless papers to be edited, email them to my dearest college kiddies and check whatever is left for me to accomplish in my office job.

I still appear unwell. I’m coping. I’m trying to get back on track. I was almost there not until what happened yesterday. Before I left for work, someone unintentionally offended me.  Of all people, why him? I sure have my own fault. I’m silently sensitive and emotionally fragile these days. But with my current state now, I just don’t need those words.

I said my piece. I’m getting back to work.