I intend to spend the past holiday at home. It should have been a great break because yesterday was pay day. Unfortunately, the piles of bills to pay swept everything. I planned to spend the entire day at home. I should get more sleep, read books, and drown myself with entertaining drama series.
I woke up with a number of text messages from my cousin. She was requesting me to treat Grandpa for merienda. I admit. I wasn’t happy. This is not the time to spend because I have nothing to spend in the first place. I initially avoided the conversation. I answered my cousin’s other queries. In the middle of our exchange of messages, I learned that another cousin volunteered to treat Grandpa, much to my relief. Unfortunately, the treat didn’t push through. I don’t know what happened on my cousin’s end. I was pissed off to some extent because my cousin never bothered to explain what happened. I was left hanging and waiting.
When weekend came, I was surprised with a photo of Grandpa tagged in my Facebook account. I learned that the “not-so-legal” partner of another cousin took Grandpa to his favourite restaurant along Sto. Domingo Church. I should have been happy for Grandpa and thankful for my other cousin. He and his partner did a great favour for us. However, my heart was telling otherwise. I felt cheated and frustrated. My financial struggle took away an opportunity to spend time and create those priceless memories with Grandpa.
Days passed, I forgot everything. I thought I was fine not until I learned that my Father personally thanked my other cousin. The exact words uttered by my Father to my cousin,
Nilabas mo pala ang Lolo mo. Salamat ha. Pasensiya na kayo ha. Hindi ko na kayang ilibre ang Lolo niyo. Wala na kasi akong trabaho.
(Thank you for the taking time to bring your Grandpa to his favorite restaurant. Pardon your Uncle’s financial incapability. I don’t anymore have work and income to treat your Grandpa.)
My Father’s humble words of appreciation to my cousin stabbed my heart. I was pierced to pieces. I excused myself and rush to the bathroom. Tears are welling up. I have to salvage my remaining pride and self-esteem. I have to look strong and unaffected even in front of my own mother.
My Father’s words reminded me of my failure. In my previous post, I selfishly bragged about my untainted work ethics. No one can ever accuse me of engaging in some questionable activities. I feed my family with nothing but hardwork. At the end of the day however, it made me realize how far can my honor and dignity take me? Can it pay bills? Can it give me that protection in times of accidents and sicknesses? Can it build my much needed savings account? Can it give me and my family a better life? Can people recognize this as proof that my parents did a great job? I hate to admit it but in the case of my family, financial wealth is always the indicator of successful parenting.
Maybe this entire post boils down to my financial struggle. Maybe I’m just really jealous and frustrated. Whatever it is, my wish remains the same. I just want to have enough and live happy.