Month: August 2016

That familiar feeling

I’ve been feeling this for a year. I’m a huge disappointment. Everything boils down to the status of my career life. I’m done with my carefree 20s. I never envisioned myself to feel this way in my 30s.

I still have a job and a great family. It should have been thankful. I know. Much of the problem arises from my more than 10-year old job. Been on the same company for more than a decade. I started out great.What I didn’t foresee, I will reach the point when everything else feels so worthless.

It is easy to say that everything is attributed to the fact that there are no more opportunities available for me. I’m stuck to where I am. I have exhausted all promotional opportunities. I’m facing a dead end. Years ago, I was fine with this outcome. I knew it would come. But then again, it always feels different once you reached that road. Modesty aside, I can claim that I deliver what is expected from me. I do my best to create the best reports. Every now and then, I try to discover and self study other methods and techniques to make my reports better. I have lived with the principle that there should be something new from the routinely outputs, so as to remove the negative connotation with routine. While I may appear as another monotonous employee, I ensure that my work output spells the difference. I may not be the friendliest and the most law abiding citizen at the workplace. Hell to tardiness. But I don’t and never did mess up for the main reason I get paid for.

But then again, there will come a time when I started to feel useless and worthless. To avoid feeling that familiar self-pity again, I convinced myself that I have been paid to take my job seriously. It defines my purpose of existence. Hence, I shouldn’t expect more than anything in return. I should  feel enough with the salary I’m receiving. By principle, it works this way. But the human being in me and possibly to all of us, reality works in a different scheme. My imperfectly perfect human self is not a machine that just needs oil and occasional maintenance to work. I don’t feel valuable. I’m losing the remaining self-esteem I have everyday.

Allow me to confide something. Much of the sadness I have now is attributed to my work status. My stagnant position and the questionably deteriorating relationship with a key person at the workplace. I have been tired. I have done my share to give that person my best output. I do whatever the key person asks me to do. I get the job done. I get everything accomplished, even with all the troubles and hindrances along the way. I never made excuses not to deliver.

Somewhere along the way, part of that harmonious relationship was rifted with that suspension record and that story about honesty. I felt bad. I wanted to be fair so I confided my sentiments. I don’t count myself as one of those employees who stabs colleagues and superiors in the most discrete way. Smiling at them and pretending everything is fine. But check out their Facebook accounts for the real story.

I respected that key person and part of that respect is to render honesty. I have been honest in every way I can. But over the past months, I can’t anymore understand whether my honesty is needed. There were instances when I tried to explain some trouble that happened. I received the sharpest words in return. The price to pay for my honesty. I was explaining my point, but I was cut ahead. I was made to feel that I’m one immature, sore loser and childish employee. It surely hurt. I started to distance myself. It was my way of healing another set of wounds planted. The wounds have been healed, but the scars remained. Unfortunately, I got dependent with the distance. It’s now a struggle to eliminate that distance.

What surprised me lately, the distance paved the way for discoveries. I was able to open some cans of worms I never knew existed. One of which is the artificial definition of loyalty. The distance enabled me to see and redefine the meaning of loyalty for some people.  I started to open cards revealing  dark sides. I began to understand that at the end of the day, downfall determines real character of the people that surrounds you. On those times when you needed someone to pull you up, much of the people you thought as friends or allies  were pushing you down instead.

I began to discover and realise that some people change and the unfortunate truth, they broke their own set of dignified principles. Years or months ago, we questioned people whose real character was hidden beneath selfish motives. It took me some time to notice that in the end, you are now one of them. I maybe wrong. I may have misinterpreted things. But this was the character revealed by your actions. Or maybe, despite all these years, I remain as the naive, ignorant and stupid employee. It was your way of personal survival.

Lastly, it didn’t help that I discovered someone who betrayed me. I confided my sentiments. I trusted you enough. I cried my heart out because I thought I was in the company of a great friend. But I have no regrets at all. I will be forever grateful on those time that you came when I badly needed a friend.

So much tears have been shed writing this post. I have a pending freelance work. I might as well redirect my remaining time to finish a work … more than the additional money, a little proof that I’m more than alive.