Random Thoughts of an almost forgotten blog

It’s more than a month since I last visited my small space here. I almost forgot that I have a silent home in the blogosphere. As proof to this, it took me several attempts to successfully log in. I can’t even remember my username and password combination. This also makes me remember, I haven’t renewed my domain name. I can’t even recall when will my domain name expire.

Truth to be told, nothing much has been happening in my life. Nothing much means no significant changes or additions. Everything is relatively stable with work and my family. My family is still complete, happy and healthy. So much to be thankful for already. As for work, you can sense it right. This is where I harvest all my worries and issues.

Before I make a long and probably usual litany, let me recount the few things that happened since 2015 started.

Broke Back January – It’s the same situation after the holiday break. The two week Christmas break doesn’t seem to be enough for me. I have to face my reality feeling broke and still missing my slow and easy weekdays. It’s been more than a month and can I consider this as an accomplishment? I’m still alive and surviving!

Rare times with my cousins – I grew up with my cousins from my paternal family. I had those unplanned and random mall dates with them. They don’t know how these random times make me the happiest. Window shopping, unhealthy meals from fastfood chains and cheapest food carts, and those road trips are more than enough to make me happy.

Two freelance works – This is one thing I’ve been praying for since January. Unfortunately, looks like my source of additional income will not be reliable. Although I had an unexpected work when February entered. One was from a client whom I thought will never proceed with the work. The other was referred by some past clients. The second client almost blew me away because of the very short timetable I have to deal with. The hungry freelancer in me took the bait and finished the entire work in two days. I deserve a pat on the back! Unfortunately, I have to give that to myself. Haha Client doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that I made some sacrifices for her. She even bragged that she will pay me more than the agreed professional fee. I avoided discussing the additional money because I was more concerned with the quality of my output and  I have been a believer of becoming a blessing than a pain in the ass. Weeks passed, my bank account is still screaming empty. F*^k! I guess I have to prepare and accept the fact that I have another unprofessional client again. I have another painful pro-bono story.

Weight gain – and is still a struggle… The stress and worries are not helping. Why do I always have to find comfort with food? Or probably, the more appropriate question is why am I not blessed with faster metabolism?

Ten year awardee – God, I have been working for 10 years…. in the same company. Why do I feel ashamed? The awards night is scheduled tomorrow and God knows how I hated to dress up and hear my colleagues stressing themselves about their hair, makeup and all those prettifying stuff that never captured my interest. Some of them spent a considerable amount of money for their outfit, but me? I spent my money online shopping for bags and shoes I can use everyday.

Unexpected business trip with the President & CEO – I was tagged by the team of the President & CEO for a business meeting somewhere in beautiful island down south. I was told to prepare myself only 2 to 3 days before the flight. How about that? Despite the short notice, I was thankful for the opportunity.

Work, work and work – The saying that we work to live and not the other way around does not apply to me. I’m starting to feel that the work is taking away my life and happiness. I never imagine I would be saying this. Or maybe, I’m just overwhelmed with my current emotions. Let me enumerate my recent encounters

Embracing the same role 10 years ago – When I entered the workplace 10 years ago, I was tasked to oversee this particular task. Years after, the task was transferred to another department. Unfortunately, the receiving department has too much workload to accommodate. The task I used to oversee was forgotten and was buried away.  Years after, I moved to another department and my superior took the initiative to revive the old task. As expected, I was entrusted with the project. Initially, I felt excited. I don’t know what happened but in the middle of the week, I felt sad and frustrated. I ended up crying and had those self-pity moments again. I thought I was just PMS-ing but I realized how I missed my old team. When I handled this task from my previous department, I had two older male colleagues and my BFF to support me. I miss our old and united team. I miss those times when I had colleagues are rather more supportive and cooperative. I miss colleagues who are far more considerate, SMART, HUMBLE and insert all the best adjectives here and award all the worst adjectives to my current colleague.

Only a few people appreciate the kind of work I render for the workplace. Not that I’m demanding attention and appreciation. I just remembered a colleague who once mentioned that she appreciates the teamwork I had with my boss. May I highlight, me and my boss alone. While I never expect attention and appreciation, I will not deny that hearing those words swept away all the weariness and worries I felt months ago.

Apart from my Boss, I’ve been receiving some workload from higher bosses lately. While others would take it as an opportunity to flaunt and elevate themselves, I’m rather feeling worried and pressured. I’m afraid of messing up. I don’t want to be remembered as a stupid and useless employee. I also hate it when colleagues give me those fake praises. Plasticity at its finest! I can smell people who silently demands reciprocation of all the praises.

The need to make that decision – I can’t remember how many times I’ve been bothered by the urge to move to another job. Something I never imagined will happen to me. I have to do it or it will never happen. I have to give myself the chance to explore other working opportunities. Given that our company and our competitors will be experiencing that 4-year struggle as a result of this approved government legislation, I’m now given all the reasons to leave. I made some attempts. I started to send my resume to a few companies.

Somewhere along the way however, I will not deny the fact that I’ve been confused and disheartened. I’m afraid to land to the wrong company and experience another set of colleagues. I don’t know if I still have the heart and patience to deal with stressful jobs and colleagues. I’m afraid to mess up and commit mistakes. I’m afraid of making wrong decisions. More importantly, I don’t want to end up saying why did I leave my previous employer. Just the thought of leaving my second home for the last 10 years already gives me tears and fears. Maybe I’m just too emotional with everything. This makes things harder for me…  At some point, I admire other people who are used to hopping from one company to another. My friends who have more than 4 companies in their resume. How I wish I could inherit some of their bravery and lose part of my emotional hormones. I keep telling myself, I have to decide. This bothers me but I later realized that I have nothing to decide for yet. I have no job offers, only silent rejections on my hand.

Before this short holiday, I remember having a conversation with another colleague. This colleague told me if only he has Php 500,000 on his hands now. He would pay off all his debts, leave the workplace and start his life again. Damn it! Exactly my sentiments too…. If I have that amount of money, I will pay off my remaining credit card debts (hello new journey series) and open another savings account. If I had that much money, maybe my fears of committing mistakes of choosing a wrong workplace will be eliminated. I have money to save me and I can easily switch to another company without worrying about not receiving my salary. Maybe I can start a business, rest for a while, fulfill my dream to write and started to live the life that work has taken away from me. Maybe. Maybe. But life always works the way we least expect it.

I think I have written a lot already. Sufficient to pardon my long absence in my little space here. Thanks to the Chinese New Year holiday, I had a little time to update.  2015 is proving to be very challenging for me. I have my own set of fears and worries. There will be more to come for sure. As always my silent wish is that I would be able to overcome everything. Please send me all the luck and prayers. 🙂 .. I need it