30 Things

1. I need to have a clean and neatly tucked bed sheet before I sleep. Otherwise, I refuse to sleep. I can sleep with all the dust and clutter inside my room, provided I have the cleanest white or light coloured bed sheet. 

2. I refuse to wear heels. No negotiations, I live a flat life.

3. I’m not a huge fan of chocolates. While everyone considered chocolates as comfort food, mine is having excessive salt and carbohydrates intake. By that, I demand a pan of paella, pizza or a bag of potato chips.

4. I don’t like my pen be borrowed and used by some random stranger. One of my greatest pet peeves is a fellow airline passenger bugging me for my pen to fill out the immigration form. Worst, I hate it when people don’t know how to return borrowed things.

5.  I hate it the most when a fellow female gives me a stare from head to foot.

6. I can detect a plagiarised work from my students. I can give an A+ to a grammatically problematic paper given the originality and hardwork.

7. I used to rant in my Facebook account. That was when Friendster was more famous and I only have 5 contacts in Facebook.  I regretted and vowed to never do it again. Whenever I encounter a contact ranting through a status message, I feel either annoyed or entertained. 🙂 While I don’t rant in Facebook, I transferred my sentiments here. Heehee

8. This blog is concealed from my colleagues and family. Although some friends are starting to discover this. I’m afraid of losing my freedom of speech.

9. I graduated from giving crappy gifts. Whenever I purchase a gift, I make sure that my friend will like it. Unfortunately, people around me including some friends never get tired of giving me gifts they know… I will not like.

10. Paying my credit cards make it as one of my greatest struggles. I can’t wait for the day when I can finally free myself with all the pending bills.

11. I easily cry.

12. I used to give my friends this special birthday card signed by their crush. I would make all means to make it happen. When my birthday arrived, I wasn’t expecting my friends to return the favour. I’m fine. Unfortunately, I got offended by a friend who told me to prepare my own birthday card.

13. Some of my friends are “user friendly.” They only remember me when they need me.

14. I got tired of organising Xmas reunions. I was once offended and vowed to never embrace the role again. A friend tried to fill in my shoes. As expected, she failed and my revengeful self was happy.

15. I’m becoming nocturnal doing my freelance works and teaching tasks during the holiday break. For some reason, I find my working pace when everyone is asleep and the entire environment is in silence.

16. In my opinion, parenthood changes but does not guarantee maturity at the workplace. I have seen colleagues who entered parenthood with their value system and professionalism left elsewhere.

17. I hate to be associated with powerful people at the workplace. It has its own perks but the consequences are more dragging.

18. I can proudly claim that everything I have is a product of my own hardwork. I never engaged in any illegal endeavour to achieve something. I made stupid mistakes such as overspending with my credit cards. But I’m cleaning up all the mess I made without the help and salvation of my parents.

19. I have no problems with being single. I’m fine except when everyone in the family is silently conniving to make me feel ugly.

20. I fear growing old and dying alone. This is intensified by the fact that I have ageing parents and a special brother to take care.

21. I wanted to write a book. As much as possible, away from my life in the academe. I don’t see myself writing textbooks and workbooks.

22. I still don’t know how to wear lipsticks. Everything ends up on my teeth.

23.  I don’t feel proud whenever I receive anything due to privilege, special favour and influence. I hate it when people brag about their government issued documents without having the need to wake up early and deal with the flock of fellow applicants.

24. I’m losing the interest to work. This is another battle I’m facing.  While I’m being challenged, I know I shouldn’t give up for my family and sanity.

25. I will never join a feast unless I’m personally invited. I’m extending this hard headedness even when there is food left at the office’s conference table. I will never touch anything that is not mine.

26. I grew up way different from my parents. Despite living with them until today, we have a lot of contradicting ideals and values. Much to their surprise, they raised a kid opposite of what they are expecting from their parenting principles.

27. I love freelancing and online writing. I don’t have to deal with nasty colleagues. I can do things on my own terms. Unfortunately, this type of work makes me more anti-social.

28. I feel insulted when clients are making all means to lower my professional fee. I’m selling personalised service and not some mass produced retail good.

29. If I get rich, I will sponsor scholarships and not a basketball team. While I love watching the ball game, working for a school made me realise the deprivation of academic scholars. I feel for these kids who are silently bringing glory to the school. I will make my scholarship terms less rigid though. You don’t have to be the top student in class to deserve my assistance.

30. I work for a school and I can easily enrol for doctorate studies for a minimal fee. Unfortunately, I lost interest in further studies. When I got immersed with the culture and system outside the academe, I realised that an additional academic degree is almost useless. As I see it, experience and exposure matter more these days.

Books that made my 2013

bookaholic

Not in the photo
The Fault in our Stars by John Green
Looking for Alaska by John Green
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
Young Blood 4

Aside from flat shoes, bags and clothes, these books have taken away a significant amount of my hard earned salary. They were my everyday commuting companions, partner in bed (heehee), source of both sadness and happiness and one of the reasons why I still have something to blog.

All books were purchased from my personal money, except John Green’s Looking for Alaska. If I sum the expenditures, I could have already purchased a nice set of my much coveted pearl earrings, weekend stay in Tagaytay, new mobile phone to as much as a promo fare ticket to Hong Kong, Macau or Malaysia. Now this gives me some feelings of regret? 🙂

Setting aside the expenditures, my personal target is to finish a book in a month. This pile of books is my shouting evidence that I made it. I might be unsuccessful in other things but with my reading target, I was able to exceed my personal expectation. The only thing I failed to accomplish is to blog and review each. Blame my laziness and dissatisfaction to a few. I still made reviews with unsatisfactory ratings but the rest received nothing but my appreciation.

For 2014, I intend to sustain the same target. I hope to finish at least 12 books next year. While I still prefer my paperbacks, I would love to utilise all the e-books stored in my iPad. It can save me enough  money and space inside my bag. My only problem with e-books is that I can’t read them during my commuting hours. I can’t take out my iPad inside the jeepney that passes through Quiapo and Recto Avenue. (My fellow Pinoy commuters can relate.) If I read inside the train, I will gain sharp glances from fellow passengers. They will think of me as someone who just wants to brag her Apple device. If I read in bed, my eyes get easily exhausted with the built-in light. On weekends, I always end up sleeping during the lazy afternoons.

Whether in print or electronic, my love for reading will remain. I’m looking forward to discover more titles and authors to inspire and keep me company.

In my wishful thinking … maybe I can write one someday… Fine, I need someone to slap and return me back to reality 🙂

 

Life got better for me

Two posts ago, I was frustrated. I was sad. I was ranting. To all those who wasted their time, willingly absorbed my bad vibes and silently consoled, thank you.  No sarcasm meant, it really makes me happy when people take time to read whatever I post here.

I was filling myself with negative thoughts over the past days. It started with my frustrating 30th birthday. Someone unintentionally offended me. I didn’t blog about it but another person almost made me cry. I just can’t understand why some people who don’t like my friends would create means to provoke me to a spat. My friends don’t like you either, but I never adhere to the idea of engaging to a silent fight. Respect and professionalism, we don’t need to enroll in further studies to learn these.

A few days before the holiday break, I prepared myself for the worst. I was ready to accept more negativities.  The last day at work happened to be the most awaited Xmas party. Setting aside the party, I was looking forward to my plans after the event. My friends and I agreed to visit this high end tourist hub in Manila.

Before the Xmas party, we attended a Spiritual Recollection and Holy Mass. The priest facilitator was the best. Thank you Fr. for giving us the best Xmas message. I felt enlightened and my day felt almost complete. We later headed to the venue of our Xmas party. Unlike our previous Xmas parties, we had a very modest celebration for 2013. My fellow employees agreed to donate part of the party’s budget to our brothers and sisters affected by typhoon Haiyan.  The management however still pursued the usual and most awaited raffle draw. I was convinced that I’m unlucky with raffle draws and other games that rely on luck and chances. Hence, my thoughts went somewhere else. I was thinking of freelance works, expenditures and the Xmas bonus I have yet to check in my payroll account. When I became silently inattentive, I was awaken by a great surprise.

I won the 2nd prize of the raffle draw! Hooray!!

I took home a significant amount of cash. Oh Dear God! What have I done to deserve this luck? I was the happiest. It was a mixture of relief, happiness and excitement.

I recall last year during this time, I was feeling so broke. The Xmas spirit was no longer with me because of the unending expenditures. Added to this the intensifying quarter life crisis that made a special appearance. I remember blogging my sentiments. My parting lines then was, I vowed to never have a broke Xmas again. I promised that next year, life will be better.

Someone must have heard my rants. This year’s Xmas was way better. I didn’t have a great 30th birthday. However, the days after my birthday became better. The remaining days before Xmas unfolded with small yet meaningful surprises.

It started when I was successful in granting the wish of a new found friend. (Hi dear friend C!) I was able to convince my friend’s crush to personally deliver a gift in her workstation. I also received a number of freelance works. Although some are still uncertain, I always see each client as an opportunity. The opportunity to earn from writing was taken away from this blog. Surprisingly, my other blog is starting to gain what I lost here.

I would like to believe that I handle my finances way better this year. I was able to set aside something from my much awaited 13th month pay. There are still the credit card balances to settle. But soon enough, I know. I will be able to free myself from the consequences of my financial immaturity. With the help of more freelance works, my financial health will improve.

But I believe the best thing that happened was when I won a significant amount of cash money from our modest Xmas party.  I was the happiest. Although at some point, I felt undeserving of the money. I’m thankful for the money but really, part of me feels that someone is more than deserving. How could someone who has punctuality problems deserve a prize? How could someone who didn’t hit her project deadline be rewarded?

Call me a weirdo but when some colleagues are congratulating me, I felt awkward and ashamed. It almost felt like a stole a prize from someone who should have been deserving.

Maybe this is my own wakeup call. The prize is like a reward or compensation that came in before I exert my much needed handwork, determination and perseverance.

Whatever it is, my heart is overflowing with happiness and gratitude. My family is complete. I met my great friends before the 25th. I was able to cross out some items in my bucket list. Life just got better for me.

And to my few friends who have been reading my blog, thank you so much! I hope life also gets better for you.

Merry Christmas and a prosperous 2014 for all of us 🙂

Emotionally Fragile, please handle with care

I just need two more days to report for work. This is a rare privilege I own because yours truly works for a school. This is my favourite time of the year. But for 2013, it seems not. Maybe I’ve been so used to this pattern or routine. Hence, the excitement and happiness are no longer the same. I’m not feeling the same Christmas atmosphere back when I was starting to work. Oh well, maybe this is still an aftermath of my previous post.

While everyone here is no longer in the mood to work, I’m going against the tide. I have other plans. I want to finish checking the endless papers to be edited, email them to my dearest college kiddies and check whatever is left for me to accomplish in my office job.

I still appear unwell. I’m coping. I’m trying to get back on track. I was almost there not until what happened yesterday. Before I left for work, someone unintentionally offended me.  Of all people, why him? I sure have my own fault. I’m silently sensitive and emotionally fragile these days. But with my current state now, I just don’t need those words.

I said my piece. I’m getting back to work.

The Assurance

The birthday is finally over. I officially reached the age I’m dreading for the longest time. I’m now 30 … (Insert a sad, sluggish and weak face here)

When 2013 entered, I had my list of how to celebrate my …. 30th.  (My mind and heart are still having a difficult time admitting that age.)  I wanted an out-of-town getaway with my family, few friends or even on my own. I wanted to visit Nuvali to experience that man made lake, try a fancy restaurant and check the outlet shops around.  After a day in Nuvali, I wanted a weekend stay in Tagaytay. I’ve been to Tagaytay quite a few times and all I had are pleasant memories. I love the lush greenery, cool temperature I don’t encounter in the city, and the relaxing view of the Taal Volcano. If I only I have the resources, I will surely acquire a real estate property in Tagaytay. I wanted my own  sanctuary in the silent and peaceful area of Tagaytay.

Unfortunately, life or probably my laziness had other plans. Nothing in my list happened. Even my kid-at-heart dream of having a cake and birthday candle didn’t happen. Call me shallow but this gave me silent tears. The last time I had a real birthday cake was when I turned 18. After the much awaited birthday song, I uttered my wish, blew the candle, and I was showered with hugs and kisses from my family and a few friends. This never happened again.

On the last working day before my birthday, I treated my workplace friends for dinner. It was a birthday tradition I intend to keep. This time however, I was given an unexpected surprise. I underestimated my budget. I was happy with my friends but on the way home, my knees started to weaken because of unexpected bill. Nevertheless, I don’t have regrets. I blame my stupidity and poor budgeting skills.

A day before my birthday, I felt unwell. I had recurring colds, surprise dysmenorrhea, severe headache and signs of an upcoming fever. My patience was dwindling and my irritation hormones were escalating. Come Sunday, I hosted a simple get together with my paternal cousins. To be honest, I don’t have plans of pushing any sort of party or celebration with my family. I’m still drowning with the endless bills to pay and my new responsibility as the family’s bread winner. However, I don’t like to be tagged as the birthday grinch. Instead of spending on another fancy restaurant, I decided to invite everyone at home. I figured out that this is the cost effective way to celebrate. I gave the budget to my parents and they took care of everything. Though I was showing evident signs of agitation, I was thankful to my parents for organising everything. I was spared from the additional set of worries.

On the day of my birthday, my guests didn’t arrive on time. Much to my dismay, my cousins who were the lead bullies were absent.

I admit that I didn’t like the way I spent my 30th. It was the worst birthday I had over the recent years. It wasn’t a happy birthday after all.  I gave in to the request of other people, only to later frustrate myself. I was already unwell. My family aggravated everything. Worst of all, I feel so guilty for enslaving and exhausting my parents.

It has been days after my birthday. I hate to admit it but I feel quite relieved that it was over. I’ve been dreading the day I will turn 30. Despite of this, I was hoping for a great birthday.  I wanted this birthday to be remembered as the best. Unfortunately, the opposite of what I was expecting prevailed. I was given my own taste of sadness and bitterness.

I never wished for anything grand. This is something I learned over my years of existence. I mentioned this many times here. All I wanted was for things to turn out fine. On my 30th birthday, I never wished for the attention of everyone. Personal handwritten notes, hugs and kisses, great friends, I’m fine with these.

Unfortunately, life always have other plans.