About to end

November is about to end I’m still “post less” and hopeless. I’ve been writing sad and pathetic posts for an entire year. As much as I wanted to breed some positivity here, reality is reality. This year is not my best. Despite all the bad things that happened this year, there are a few good things and blessings that came along the way. There were a few achievements but the most the made me the happiest, my quiet and relaxing time with my family a few trusted friends. Cliche as it may sound, the bad times really determine the ones for keeps.

A few weeks ago, a work related task made me cry. It’s still hard for me to relate the details. At this point, I’m rubbing salt to wounds that are about to heal. It made me cry for weeks. After the week long tears, I thought I had recovered. I thought I was strong and brave again. When I was relating the details to another friend, I felt tears. I’m still unwell.

I diverted my sadness and frustration to work. I drowned myself accomplishing tasks and responsibilities way before deadlines. I was good for a few weeks. I was shattered again. I wasn’t able to work properly for two days. I was physically present at work but my senses are elsewhere. To pacify my sadness, I went to my sinful vice. I went online shopping. It didn’t help that the Black Friday offers are coming. To this date, I have shopped for a bag, jeans and pair of shoes. I’m all ready for Christmas… materially. Please don’t judge me. Please don’t judge me. I knew I was wrong.

Last week one of my dream companies finally noticed my application. I was invited to take the recruitment exam. I was the happiest, including my parents. I was very optimistic. Sadly, I was only baited to a taste of temporary hope and happiness. I failed. Some months ago, I encountered a quote from my Facebook newsfeed. The quote emphasised that we should be careful with our decisions. We should not be afraid to take challenging opportunities. We should not trade opportunities for temporary sources of happiness. It hit me. I skipped a final job interview because I’m engaged to a major project at my current work. Although deep inside, I don’t see myself working for this company who almost hired me. I’m back to square one to job hunting again.

2015 is about to end. I hope this will be the last time I will cry of sadness again. 2015 has been a year of pain and sadness, mostly about my work and being a lousy spender again. I will not say that I want 2015  to end the soonest. I will live 2015 until its last day, hoping and praying that something better is about to come.

And to anyone reading this, I have the same wish for you.