For M and L

Devastations, Friends, Life

I can’t believe it’s been eight years. After I obtained my permanency status at work, I immediately applied for admission to the Graduate School. At an early age, I was very eager to make things happen. I enrolled a number of subjects because I wanted to acquire my masteral degree in the soonest possible time. Little do I know, life at the Graduate School will lead me to another world of happiness.

After burning bridges with some good old friends, I was rewarded with another set of supportive friends. Cheesy and cliché as it may sound but I considered those semesters as one of the best years of my life.

Unfortunately, those years of happiness ended abruptly. After taking our comprehensive examination, everyone in the group went with their own plans. L was the first to graduate. In my case, I decided to take things slow. I took my time to write that grueling thesis and graduated the year after.

Since then, the group never became complete again. I tried to organize reunions only to frustrate myself because no one dared to respond to my invitation. A year after, L asked me to organize another reunion. The feeling of frustration was still thriving in me. Hence, I did my own share of selfish revenge. I secretly prayed the she will feel the same amount of rejection and frustration. L can never play the role of the best event organizer and my expectations prevailed.

The years prospered and everyone went on with their lives. In the middle of the previous year, M surprised me with her upcoming wedding. It came as a blessing because I was able to relieve and spend some moments with M. I wanted to spend more time with M, but I can’t take her away from her most awaited day.

During M’s wedding, L shared her recent source of happiness. L is engaged! Time flies so fast because it’s been months since L got married.

If only I had been given more time with M and L, I wanted to tell them how much I miss them. All the more I miss them now.

I hope they still remember those Saturdays when we attend the anticipated mass. We would arrive early and caught the last few moments of the wedding rites either in San Agustin or the Manila Cathedral. While wearing our faded jeans and comfy shirts, we would watch the happy bride and her equally fulfilled groom. Each of us had that rare trace of smile accompanied by a silent dream. The happy ending, the fairy tale, which both of you already have.

The way it sounds, yes this is another emotional post. This serves as an aftermath of my previous post. This is again brought by my fear of being left out.

I know that you two are having the best time of your lives. I don’t anymore want to bother both of you with my recurring and agitating quarter life crisis. Let this post serve as my regular venting channel.

I wish you the continuous and overflowing happiness. If time will come that you will remember me, a prayer will be enough. While I still wish for my own happiness, the least that I can ask now is the assurance that whatever happens, everything will be fine.

Worries and Wishes

life, Personal Sentiments

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After a week long house arrest, I was able to get my much deserved day out. My cousins invited me to try a new restaurant in town. I immediately said yes because I miss having quality time with them. I also believe that this is the break I’m dying to have.

As expected, we had a great time. Great food, stories and laughter are the best ways to remove every inch of stress in my system. I went home happy and fulfilled. Before I went to sleep, Nanay shared a very sad story that affected me. I was not able to sleep. Hence, this post made it.

Nanay have regular companions turned friends from the Saturday masses she regularly attends. She related the story of this lady in her early 40s. She seemed fine and healthy not until everyone noticed her evident weight loss. One of my Nanay’s friends also noticed the consistent stench odor and wetness on her blouse.

On the way home, one of Nanay’s friends dared to ask the lady about her health. The lady admitted that she has been battling breast cancer. Nanay asked if she has been getting medication like regular chemotherapy and checkups. The lady admitted another sad reality. The last time she went to the hospital was when the doctor confirmed that she has cancer. She never managed to underwent any treatment because she never had the means to afford it. Nanay’s friends asked about her family. Apparently, she never got married because she took over the responsibility of taking care of their aging parents. Her siblings are all married and struggling supporting their respective families.

After hearing the lady’s story, I felt that familiar shiver of fear again. My knees weakened and all of a sudden, I started to fear for myself. In a few more years, there’s a possibility that I would share the same fate.

My Nanay chose to become a housewife since the doctor discovered that my elder brother was born special. My Dad provided everything until early of this year. My Dad has been a great provider for more than 40 years. He deserves his own retirement. Hence, I’m left to support the entire family. I was expecting it but when Nanay told me that it’s now my turn, I secretly cried for a while. I was crying for fear and worries. Everyone now depends on me. Being strong is no longer an option but a responsibility I have to fully embrace. Aside from adequately providing for the family, I felt more fear for my future. The way it looks now, I will end up growing old on my own. I don’t have other siblings to look over me. I have my cousins but they have their own families as well.

I don’t know why did Nanay related to me the story. I just told her that I feel sorry for the lady. I never told Nanay that I felt frightened, disturbed, worried and secretly cried again for my uncertain future.

I feel weak and helpless while typing this post. But more than wishing for myself, may I request anyone reading this to utter a prayer for the cancer stricken lady. If only I could wish something for the lady, it’s for her siblings to reunite for her. I never met her but I can feel that she has a great heart, lived a good life and deserves to experience that love and happiness.

I have not been a spiritual person over the past years but I always believe that God (regardless of religion) always works in the most mysterious ways. With the help of our silent but powerful prayers, I believe that the lady’s silent wishes will be granted.

Uncategorized

Life has been like this since Sunday

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Work is suspended but I’m still working. I’m taking advantage of the unexpected holiday to accomplish my freelance works.

Hopefully, a better weather will come tomorrow.