Another ending

I shouldn’t be blogging today. I’m too occupied with my teaching tasks. I said many times before that this is the part of teaching I hate. Checking papers, tracing deficiencies, and encoding grades. I should be working but in the middle of the working day, I received a very sad news.

My lone best friend at the workplace is leaving.

She is tendering her resignation less than a month from now. When my best friend uttered the words, “mag-re-resign na ako,” it felt like my heart stopped beating.  I was drowned by the fact that she is leaving and I’m left behind. I held my tears, I smiled but deep inside, I’m weeping.

I met my best friend at the workplace in 2005. I joined the Research team a year ahead of her. Back then, there were usually 4 to 5 people that form the Research Team. Over time, our colleagues eventually found better lives and career in other companies. We ended as the remaining members of the original Research Team. Years after, I was one of those employees affected by the job rotation. I was transferred to Corporate Planning under a great boss. My separation with my best friend entailed working two doors away from her place. Call me too emotional and sensitive, but that separation already gave me months of adjustment.  I was looking forward for lunch breaks because that was the only time we were together.

Oftentimes, I rant and my best friend would patiently listen.  We would share gossips and laugh out the silliest things at the workplace. I was living and enjoying the same routine for SEVEN YEARS. I was having lunch with the same person everyday… for seven years.  We would alternately eat at the school canteen, Jollibee, Greenwich, Chow King, Chicken Bacolod to the cheapest snack houses outside the school. Those lunches made my growing up years as a uniformed corporate slave.

And this day, my seven years would change in less than a month….

I’m not just losing a lunch buddy. I’m losing a best friend. I’m losing a part of myself. Just when half of my life is unstable and I’m being attacked by my quarter life crisis again, one of my security blankets is taken away..

I want my old self

I haven’t been writing for quite a while. I’m occupied with too many tasks lately. There was a sudden downpour of work related to teaching. I’m experiencing some kind of a writer’s block for my documentation project at the office. On weekends and weeknights, I’m juggling in between two to three freelance tasks. As much as I want to decline the freelance work, I can’t refuse the additional earnings. Call me dead hungry for money, this is reality for me. I will whole-heartedly embrace an opportunity for freelance work. It can settle my stupid and immature debts caused by that evil rectangular device. The additional earning also becomes a blessing for the bread winner in me.

At some point, I’d like to believe that I’m not really busy. I should not have been stressed and exhausted.  The real problem arises because I’ve been much disorganized. I’m way different than my 21 year old self. I was more productive on those years when I just started work. Added to these are my punctuality problems that started last year. Why can’t I force myself to wake up early? I’m way better years ago. I was never late for work. I’m almost qualified for perfect attendance award. My colleagues know me as the last person who will incur a record of tardiness. But today? I will not be surprised but I’m still praying that I’m not the statistical leader for the most number of tardiness incurred.

I have a feeling that I’m already tired of working. I’m exhausted and saturated with the daily routine. I found my comfort zone as a result of almost 10 years of working in the same company. Hence, I’m no longer challenged. I’m no longer motivated. All in all, these made me the lousiest employee. I’m no longer an asset. I’m becoming a liability for the company. There were days when I report for work and ended up doing nothing. I always feel tired and sleepy. I will stare at my computer’s screen for hours. I will start typing words for my documentation project. After finishing one paragraph, I will realize that I’m creating nothing but mess.

If I will follow my selfish instinct, I would leave my current work. I would rest for a while and transfer to another and hopefully, better company. But with the way things are going, this would mean jumping off to the cliff of uncertainty. I need my current and stable job to finance the needs of the family, settle the debts and finally build that secured savings account.

Sigh… All I wanted was that old yet fiery energy, optimism and passion that used to thrive in me.