There was a stage in my life when I would always ask for “signs.” This usually happens when I’m bound to make decisions. Years ago, I remember really liking someone. I’m not sure whether he felt the same. Although part of me believes he wasn’t in any way interested with me. Despite of everything, I had high hopes. I was optimistic. I believed everything will be possible. I also adhered to the idea that God does not refuse our prayers that came with the purest intentions.

Back then, time was not on my side. I was forced to take matters on my own hands. I have to know how he feels about me. Problem is, I don’t have the courage to directly approach him so I asked for signs. While inside the train, I prayed for a butterfly. If I see a butterfly, I’ll take it as a sign that he’s worth it. The chances of seeing a butterfly inside the train is impossible. Much to my surprise, destiny played on me. I didn’t see a live butterfly, but my attention was caught by a lady wearing a set of butterfly earrings.

At that time, I thought I was given a strong signal to believe and pursue my hopes. While I still can’t conclude this story, it’s been years since I last saw him. Nothing prospered. I got occupied with work, other endeavors and with the help of time, I started to forget everything. I don’t think about him as frequent as before. In fact, I started to forget that we share the same birthday. It was only as of typing this when I remember it.

Years passed and I reached my early 30s. I started to doubt and move away from the power of signs. Although admittedly, I still play the idea of asking for signs when faced with decisions. Like my decision to pursue another career. I sought for signs a number of times. Should I stay or should I go? I think this is the only time I will admit and write about it. Signs are telling me to stay. When asking for signs, I would end up encountering a quote or a reminder in my Facebook newsfeed, telling me to stay. Up until recently, I encountered an advice shared by a social media personality.

He said,  living is expensive. We have to accept the fact that survival is our main reason for working. So much self help books are encouraging us to pursue our passions, even though it seems like it can’t even afford to pay a one-month electric bill. We should hold on to our jobs but at the same time, continue to do the things that make us the happiest… even on the shortest weekends or the few hours left after work. We gain that priceless sense of fulfillment when we pursue the things that make us the happiest. Who knows, the future might have a better direction for us. The rare times we follow our passion will lead us to our life changing profession.

Everything spoke about me. On weekdays, I’m occupied with work. But I’m quite fortunate that I’m able to handle my responsibilities. Work is not really draining. It’s the absence of career progress that kills me and my dwindling self-esteem. On weekends, I write for another blog and capture some beautiful photos. I don’t have photography skills but lately, I discovered my niche. 🙂 I capture beautiful photos, compile them in my instagram account. It used to be  a hobby but eventually, new entrepreneurs started to notice my photos. To date, I’m able to score two clients. I manage their Instagram accounts and capture photos for them. Although I don’t get paid for this work, I’m happy receiving product freebies. I also became more attached with my other blog. Blogging, if you can call it writing, and photo styling have become my new found interest and passion lately. These are the shallowest things I do without any compensation, but gives me the much needed happiness and appreciation. I’m leaning to the idea of someday, I hope I can pursue a life from this interest.

Of the few times I discussed the life changing career decision with my friends, leaving always emerged as the best option. All reasons and situations lead to leaving as the best option. I had attempts. I looked for job opportunities but nothing transpired successful. A huge part of me feels afraid of all the uncertainty. My greatest fear is to move to another company ending up crying and telling myself, I should not have left. Life before was way better.

As mentioned in my previous post, I gave up job hunting last year. In 2015, I was an active jobseeker. It wasn’t easy because at that time, I’m also struggling paying bills of a family member stricken with an unexpected illness. Added to this the other bills I have to pay. I got tired and stopped everything in 2016.  When this year started, I tried my  chance again. I submitted an application to a “dream” company. This week, I got a notification that I’m schedule for an examination. It will be my second attempt to this company. Should I fail the second time, I guess I have to give up. But then last night, I read an account of Pia Wurtzbach’s experiences. Hands down. She is living proof that success can be achieved with failures.

As of typing this , I felt weak because I was reminded of the bills to pay. God, I’m so messed up. This also adds up to my reason of looking for another employer. I need to have a better pay but before that, I knew I have to be a better financial manager of myself.

I will not promise that I will stop asking for signs… even though I appear so lame and stupid. But what I can probably ask for, strength to overcome everything and the courage to continuously pursue the profession, make that passion I’ve been meaning to find.