I guess I have figured out the reasons for my unusual holiday sadness. I admit that from the start, I knew the truth behind my holiday sickness. It’s just that I’m having a hard time admitting that I’m unwell. My holiday sickness was a result of my combined fears, self-isolation, feeling of being left out and as always, quarter life crisis.
I have countless sources of fears in my list. First on top of everything are the piles of bills to pay over the next three years. Though I have a stable job, I fear for my inability to earn enough and the threat of becoming unemployed. I made my earning and expenditures forecast and I was relieved to discover that I could still pay. However, when I saw how much of my income has to go with payments, I felt that rare but familiar shiver of fear. And then the usual reaction of, what if? prevailed in my system.
Since much of my income has to be devoted for payments, I felt so lame and stupid. Why did I not control and prevent myself from spending? My struggling savings account become another source of my worries as well. What should have been savings is being used up to pay for some bills.
All the while, I thought that my fear emerges from my inability to earn and pay my bills. Days before Christmas, I woke up in the middle of the night with another fear. I felt the fear of growing old alone. If I am destined to grow old alone, I have no choice. I’m willing to face my sad fate. However, the vision of growing old alone, penniless and being forgotten by my own family elevated my level of fear. In the middle of the night, I cried for hours. Tears kept me company until I was able to sleep.
Self-isolation was another culprit of my holiday sickness. This could be avoided if I didn’t imprison myself in the first place. After our last day at work, I did the grocery and went out with my Nanay a day after. I never went out since then. In my desire to lessen my expenditures, I imprisoned myself at home. At some point, I wanted to go out but my counted friends have their own engagements. In short, no one accepted my holiday dinner invitations. I felt so left out so I decided to distance myself. Staying at home and forcing myself that I’ll be fine didn’t help me at all. It aggravated my holiday sickness.
The feeling of being left out made me remember a dear friend. I miss one of my greatest friends. I miss Anna so much that tears kept me company again. I planned to invite another friend to visit Anna. When I was about to send that text message, I remembered our past conversation. She will be busy. The feeling of being left out surged again and the holiday sickness further intensified.
While I treasure our humble home, I can’t deny the fact that being confined here makes me so unwell. This afternoon, I decided to go out on my own. My feet brought me to visit Anna’s mom. I bought her a gift and when I saw Anna’s mom that familiar surge of tears welled up again. I never imagined hugging my bestfriend’s mom, with that sadness that no words could ever describe.
Walking home alone obviously does not help. But I had no choice. I braved myself and I exhibited my greatest talent again. Sad thoughts kept coming to me. Years after working so hard, I’m faced with debts and I even lost one great friend. While I was obviously longing for company, I received that much needed text from a friend. To my surprise, the message turned part of my sadness to anger. A friend was asking a huge favor. She was asking me to exercise my research skills for her own benefit. The message even emphasized the fact that she will not pay for my professional services because we are friends anyway. Wow, I badly needed that words. I said yes but deep inside, I was becoming pissed off. I allowed myself to get drowned by my emotions.
As for my quarter life crisis, I guess this is it. My entire system that is continuously tested with fears, worries and experiences that will hopefully make me nothing but a better and happier person.