In a few more days, I’m entering another decade of my life. I hate to admit it but I’m turning 30 soon. The thought of leaving my 20s with so many things unaccomplished intensifies my self-diagnosed quarter life crisis. Just typing this post makes my head ache. Maybe I’m just overreacting. This unusual headache is probably attributed to the greasiest lunch I had a while ago. Sisig, egg and bits of chicharon … perfect lethal weapon for self destruction.
Feeling refreshed from my Corregidor trip, I was eager on planning my 3oth birthday. Instead of the usual dinner with my friends, I wanted to venture on another experience. I wanted to increase my list of firsts on my birthday. I planned to watch this musical play in Manila. After the play, I will treat my friends over a great meal. I felt this was my own way of celebrating a grown up birthday.
I was excited. I had high hopes. I can feel the happiness not until I started to receive the feedback of my friends. No one wanted to come with me. Hooray! I have created my own anticlimactic scene. For someone who has been battling recurring sadness and emptiness, this proves to be another self-esteem killer.
Something like this happened to me several years ago. I was trying to organize a mini-reunion for my MBA friends. I planted my own frustration because no one dared to even answer to my request. A day before my planned reunion, I received text messages of regrets. After this experience, I vowed to never take the shoes of the event organizer again. NEVER. Problem is, I failed to recall and learn from this experience. I again committed the same mistake. This time, I made things worst by repeating the attempt on my birthday.
I’m starting to realize that I have this special talent of making myself feel sad and pathetic. I know how to make myself feel miserable.
I might be overreacting. This might be the fault of my abnormal emotional hormones. Better yet, I should take this as a cue on how grownups or people in their 30s spent their birthdays. Maybe I should stop planning. It was never my turf in the first place. Maybe I should fully embrace my principle of not expecting and living each day as it comes.
Perhaps when I’m finally free from all those debts and obligations, I should dust off my travel luggage and see another country in my bucket list.