The pain of deciding

For the longest time, I’ve been preventing myself to blog. If this happened to me several years ago, I will surely be blogging every single day. I would be writing my thoughts. I would be venting out.  This is not my best time….

It’s more than the suspension I received. All the while, I thought that the next days would mean coping with the stigma of having a suspension record. I think I have surpassed that. I’m beginning to enter the stage of acceptance. It’s been two weeks since everything happened. What I didn’t expect are the succeeding realizations and probably, another set of my overanalysis that leads to paralysis moments.

Prior to reporting back for work, I did something I’m not sure if I should regret. I wrote a letter to my Boss. I expressed all my sentiments about the suspension. I admitted that everything was all my fault. Me and my selfish self. Along the way however, I also related how I feel about him. How I felt when he handed my suspension. How I developed some ill feelings about him. I sent that email thursday night and before friday ended, I received a response from him. Basing from the tone of the letter, I felt that he was also in pain. I was expecting it. He defended himself. I became uneasy for the succeeding days. On his end, he probably felt the same. There were no words spoken. I left everything on that email.

The days at work continued. I thought I will be fine. It helped a bit that I had some company. I don’t know if my friend A intentionally did it. We were going home together for one week. It’s been a while since I had a friend. We never talked about my suspension anymore. We enjoyed each other’s company and all the great food around. The next week, God was probably telling me, I should be on my own. I was going home on my own again. I was having lunch breaks on my own. I was doing everything on my own. I thought I would be fine. The past week was a complete turn around. I was crying on my own during lunch breaks. I later realized how sad it is to be friendless at the workplace. I remember my dearest friend T, who already moved to another workplace. She has moved on. While me? I’m all alone on my desk. I now realize, I should have been counting my blessings before. Having T around years ago made everything different. Working has never been the same. My only consolation here, I’m very well adept with my work. God, I’ve been here for a decade. Not that I’m doing the same job. But 10 years on the same workplace, gave me enough confidence that I can always make things happen. Work is manageable and easy. I feel smart and confident. With this comfort zone is the trade off that I’m friendless.This made me remember the findings in my masteral thesis. People remain and become committed to their respective workplace if they have friends and experience positive co-worker relationships. It’s only now that I realize that my 10 years of holding on to the workplace is also accounted from T and the other friends who also left.

In the middle of this loneliest week, we received the notification from the Office of the HR. It’s promotion year again. Everyone is probably happy, except me. I cannot be promoted for two reasons. The suspension record and the fact that I’ve already hit the promotion ceiling. No more career growth. No more promotion. And just like that, I had those crying moments again. It was lunch time. I ate on my own and suddenly, I felt tears. It was one of those time when I needed a friend. I needed someone to listen. I need a hug. The more I pitied myself. The next day gave me more struggles of tears and sadness. Each lunch time became a crying session. I don’t know if I realize it but I believe, I’ve been having lunches on my own after 10 years. I have survived it because I occasionally have lunch buddies. But those instances can be counted. Given that I survived it for 10 years, why everything is becoming more difficult and painful now?

Some weeks ago I was exchanging text with another friend. In the middle of our conversation she told me that the leaving the first workplace is the hardest. True enough. It goes with the saying, the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave I’m not yet leaving but with the way things are going, all circumstances are telling me to give myself that chance. The problem with me is that I developed all the emotional attachment with my current workplace. I’ve learned to love it despite of all its weaknesses and imperfections. I had all the reasons to leave but that emotional investment is really killing me. 10 years? It’s not easy to surrender a decade of love, loyalty and dedication.  But over the past days, I’ve been having the feeling of being left out in my current workplace. I feel so alone. I feel all the forces telling me, you shouldn’t be here. You don’t belong here.

As I reach my home, I find myself in the company of my retired parents. God, I wanted to cry more. They have been taking care of me since I was born. I owe them a lot. I owe them a good life. All the more I realize that I have to search for better opportunities, better paying job. This made me remember a conversation I had with my mother a few months ago. My mother was insisting, I should not leave my current workplace. The exact words she rendered, Anak magtiyaga ka na sa trabaho mo. Maganda naman diyan. It hit me. I was again torn into pieces. Mother knows best. I have always respected and obeyed my mother. I wanted to obey her this time. My heart and my desire to stay in my comfort zone are telling me to stay to my current workplace. But given the current circumstances, I know. It’s time to get things going. It’s time to explore opportunities. I’m in my 30s and if I would consider new opportunities, this is the stage that it should happen. It’s now or never for me.

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Understanding

Before the day ends, all I wanted to do is cry.

I received my first suspension at work. Blame all the tardiness I’ve been accumulating over the past months. It’s payback time.

It hurts. Although I’m completely aware that there’s no one to blame but myself.

Of 15 years I spent in school, I was never given any form of disciplinary action. I never excelled in class but I can proudly claim that I’m well-behaved, disciplined and have been observant of rules and regulations.

Prior to this suspension, I can proudly claim that I have a very clean slate at work. In my first few years of working, I even collected monthly perfect attendance awards. I was almost a contender for the annual award, if only fever and flu did not struck me a month before the year ended. In terms of output and productivity, I believe that I’m doing well. I may not produce the best outputs but I’ve never been the source of worries and headaches of present and past superiors. I comply with deadlines. I produce what is expected from me. I have also been a good colleague. I hated a few, but I never committed anything against them. I had my share of petty misunderstandings with a few, but I was able to resolve things on my own.  I was able to iron out things even without the assistance of my superiors. I have been unfairly treated, but I’ve never avenged. I was never complained for inefficiency, insubordination and all those offenses against person.

Okay, I’m trying to uplift myself. I’m trying to make myself believe that I’m not a total mess. I screwed up myself but I’m not an embarrassment. But then again, no matter how much I convince myself, I will not deny that this has been the lowest point of my career life. I feel like a stupid and useless crap.

When my Boss presented the suspension order issued by the HR, I easily accepted it. I accepted my fate. I was even given the freedom to choose the dates of my two-day suspension. It will be next week. I was actually not surprised with the suspension. I knew it was coming. But like my other experiences, everything feels different once it happens. True enough, after  I signed and accepted my suspension order, I was  controlling my tears. My initial defense mechanism was to salvage my remaining self-esteem. I filed for week long leave immediately after my two-day suspension.

To console myself, I invited a few friends to eat out a while ago. I also have another source of frustration prior to receiving my suspension order. I just came home from a “failed” trip abroad. I should be blogging about this, but destiny made other plans. The suspension is obviously more compelling. I was laughing the entire time while having dinner with my friends. My friends probably felt that I’m fine. I’m not sure if anyone of them were able to sense it. Deep inside however, I wanted to cry. This is how it feels to become a stupid disappointment. It didn’t help that my friends counted all the privileges that will be taken away from me after the suspension. All the more I felt bitter and inferior. Before parting ways, one of them offered a stupid suggestion of going to Tagaytay.  I just smiled but deep inside, I wanted to scream. WTF! All the more I would look so pathetic. I love traveling but seriously, I wouldn’t use it as a scapegoat for my low moments. I even wanted to return the question, would you even see yourself going to Tagaytay on your own? Given that I will be losing my two-day salary, spending more will definitely not work.

Before I left the office my boss offered another working schedule. He told me to adjust my reporting time from 8:30 am to 9:00 am. I said yes or I’ll think about it. I’m not really sure, I can’t remember the reply I uttered. Truth to be told, I wanted to render a different response. I wanted to tell the real reason why I’ve been accumulating all those tardiness records.

I’m losing my drive to work for the company.

It would be painful to utter those words. But no matter how much I deny it, it’s the truth. I wish I was wrong. But this is where myself leads me.

I feel that it’s already mission accomplished for me for the company.

I’m no longer needed.

I don’t see future in my current company.

I don’t see myself growing in the company.

I’m on the dead end.

There’s no more for me in the company.

The company will surely survive without me.

No more promotion.

No more opportunities.

How I wish I was able to tell my Boss the real reasons behind my tardiness.  The motivation and drive to work is losing me. I feel like a candle that gradually loses its flame.

I don’t need an adjustment in my working schedule. How I wish my Boss is sensitive enough to figure out at least half of my sentiments. I doubt. All the reports I’ve submitted. All the presentations I successfully made. These can never point any clue about my real sentiments.

I don’t need another set of pathetic words of consolation. I’m not ready for unsolicited advises.

I wish my family, friends and Boss and people around me can sense and understand how I feel.