I’ve been feeling this for a year. I’m a huge disappointment. Everything boils down to the status of my career life. I’m done with my carefree 20s. I never envisioned myself to feel this way in my 30s.
I still have a job and a great family. It should have been thankful. I know. Much of the problem arises from my more than 10-year old job. Been on the same company for more than a decade. I started out great.What I didn’t foresee, I will reach the point when everything else feels so worthless.
It is easy to say that everything is attributed to the fact that there are no more opportunities available for me. I’m stuck to where I am. I have exhausted all promotional opportunities. I’m facing a dead end. Years ago, I was fine with this outcome. I knew it would come. But then again, it always feels different once you reached that road. Modesty aside, I can proudly claim that I always deliver what is expected from me. I do my best to create the best reports. Every now and then, I try to discover and self study other methods and techniques to make my reports better. I have lived with the principle that there should be something new from the routinely outputs. So as to remove the negative connotation with routine. While I may appear as another monotonous employee, I ensure that my work spells the difference. I may not be the friendliest and most law abiding citizen at the workplace. Hello tardiness! But I don’t and never did mess up for the main reason I get paid for. I take my job seriously.
But then again, there will come a time when you will feel useless and worthless. To avoid feeling that familiar self-pity again, I convinced myself that I have been paid to take my job seriously. Hence, I shouldn’t expect more than anything in return. I should feel enough with the salary I’m receiving. By principle, it works this way. But human being in me and possibly to all of us, reality works in a scheme. My imperfectly perfect human self is not a machine that just needs oil and occasional maintenance to work. I don’t feel valuable. I’m losing the remaining self-esteem I have everyday.
Allow me to confide something. Much of the sadness I have right now is attributed to my work status. My stagnant position and the deteriorating relationship with my superior. I have been tired. I have done my share to give him the best outputs. I do whatever he asks me to do. I get the job done. I get everything accomplished, even with all the troubles and hindrances along the way. I never made excuses to deliver. Somewhere along the way, our relationship was rifted with that suspension record. I felt bad. I wanted to be fair so I confided my sentiments. I don’t count myself as one of those employees who smile before their bosses but deep inside, have been killing their bosses in many ways. I respected my superior and part of that respect is to render honesty. I have been honest in every way I can. But over the past months, I can’t anymore understand whether my honesty is needed. There were instances when I tried to explain some trouble that happened. I was left with sharp words in return. The price to pay for my honesty….. I was explaining my point, but I was cut ahead. He made me feel that I’m one immature, sore loser and childish employee. It surely hurt. I started to distance myself. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to eliminate that distance anymore.
What surprised me lately, that distance gave me discoveries. I was able to open some cans of worms. One of which is the artificial definition of loyalty. The distance enabled me to see and redefine the meaning of loyalty. I started to open cards that reveal dark sides. I began to understand that at the end of the day, downfall determines real character of the people that surrounds you. On those time when you needed someone to pull you up, much of the people you thought as friends were pushing you down instead. When one is position, you have tons of friends. But when that position is taken away, the real friends are finally identified.
Lastly, it didn’t help that I discovered someone who betrayed me. I confided my sentiments. I trusted you enough. I cried my heart out because I thought I was in the company of a great friend. But I have no regrets at all. I will be forever grateful on those time that you came when I badly needed a friend.
So much tears have been shed writing this post. I have a pending freelance work. I might as well redirect my remaining time to finish a work … more than the additional money, a little proof that I’m more than alive.