Hello and Goodbye November

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I remain “post-less” this November. I never got the time and energy to revive this blog. So then again, I’m just writing for the sake of maintaining one post every month. I had some travel opportunities this month. It was great! While some aspects in my life remains unchanged, and still struggling, I would like to believe there are still some  blessings and good things that happened along the way. On my December break, I will write a real post. I have a lot to rethink. I have to layout plans. I have to grow up.

Before October ends

I never had intentions of blogging. I knew I will be writing another sad post. But then again, I promised myself that I will keep this blog alive. I have to upload a post at least once a month.

I was about to start my daily exercise when I decided to logged in. No entry for October and it’s the 31st already.

My career plans are still on status quo. From the looks of everything, the only way for me to progress is to move to another job. Before moving on, I have to undergo the process of job search again. For someone in her 30s, finding a job becomes more challenging especially if your portfolio does not speak of any supervisory experience. I check my Job Street account once in a while but  nothing interests me. A few days ago, I revisited a previous company that interviewed me many years ago. There was a position that suits my expertise. It’s a different position though. I was in the brink of submitting my resume not until I checked their reviews on Glassdoor. This website serves as a blessing and a curse. It’s great to have a central feedback system from the employees of different companies. But the negative feedback are disgusting and will make one think twice of pursuing the application. Unfortunately for this company who interviewed me years ago…. the reviews are too negative. Their acceptance rating are relatively low, compared to the average of other companies. So there, I did not pursue the application.

I have become more confused. I’m not sure if I should still pursue my intentions to leave my current job and employer. The worsening traffic in Manila has also discouraged me to apply for other companies situated in the central business districts of Makati and BGC. Friends and relatives who work in those areas devote almost 8 hours a day just for travel. Four hours in the morning and another four hours in the evening under worst conditions.

Added to all my worries, my financial management issues remain unresolved…. It’s hard to grow up. It’s harder when you are forced to grow up.

While the status of my job / career remain unquestionable, part of me wants to excel in other fields of discipline. I wanted my freelance work to prosper and my blog life to progress. I maintain another blog that is “happier”, “livelier” and I guess, more positive. My long term dream is to be recognized by a brand, become partners with them or obtain a part time work /partnership from blogging. Although I don’t want to level up to excessive commercialism, I hope to level up my blogging and writing portfolio. If I can’t get promoted or progress at work, maybe in other domains.

Every now and then, I fear that I would retire and die with nothing. If I will not have my own family, I want to be respected in my domain. I want to excel at least in one area. If my current job will not provide it, at least other fields like blogging, writing and recently, prettifying my instagram account. Hahaha This is a new found hobby I discovered lately. I love doing flat lays, editing photos and hoping to land on a spread of a lifestyle magazine… or become a part of a brand / company with this hobby.

So there goes my rant again.🙂 Apologies for spreading some negative vibes here. Despite the struggles, I can’t wait for the day when I will write a happy post again.

Disorganized

Lost. Confused.Pathetic.

Bottomline, unhappy.

I’ve been struggling almost a year. Everything still boils down to the state of my career life. How to find happiness when

  1. You are facing the dead end at the workplace. No more promotional opportunities available. No more chance to increase salary.
  2. Being betrayed by people you trusted for the longest time
  3. Surrounded by ungrateful people and as of typing this, I want to break someone into pieces.But I know I can’t, and will never.
  4. Deteriorating professional relationships
  5. people you once looked up to, but at the end of the day, were also eaten up by the workplace politics

No matter how I look at it, I’m on the losing end.

For the longest time, I’ve been avoiding accessing this blog. I’m about to make another recurring pathetic post as soon as I logged in here.

I have this habit of over-analyzing situations and later, wallowing in the misery attributed to it.

At the end of each day, I try to process everything. I came to a point when I discredit my own sentiments. Maybe I’m the one who needed to be fixed. Maybe it all boils down on me. In my effort to make myself believe that it’s only me to blame,  I end up blaming myself again.

I’m not sure how long I will survive this struggle. Every week I’m crying. There’s this one day when I will cry myself to sleep.

Call it envy, but it doesn’t surely help when I discover the success of my friends and former colleagues in other companies. While they are having the time of their lives, while they are building up more milestones, here am I…. wallowing in misery, feeling useless and worthless.

I just made a very disorganized post. Perfect example of how I feel now.

That familiar feeling

I’ve been feeling this for a year. I’m a huge disappointment. Everything boils down to the status of my career life. I’m done with my carefree 20s. I never envisioned myself to feel this way in my 30s.

I still have a job and a great family. It should have been thankful. I know. Much of the problem arises from my more than 10-year old job. Been on the same company for more than a decade. I started out great.What I didn’t foresee, I will reach the point when everything else feels so worthless.

It is easy to say that everything is attributed to the fact that there are no more opportunities available for me. I’m stuck to where I am. I have exhausted all promotional opportunities. I’m facing a dead end. Years ago, I was fine with this outcome. I knew it would come. But then again, it always feels different once you reached that road. Modesty aside, I can claim that I deliver what is expected from me. I do my best to create the best reports. Every now and then, I try to discover and self study other methods and techniques to make my reports better. I have lived with the principle that there should be something new from the routinely outputs, so as to remove the negative connotation with routine. While I may appear as another monotonous employee, I ensure that my work output spells the difference. I may not be the friendliest and the most law abiding citizen at the workplace. Hell to tardiness. But I don’t and never did mess up for the main reason I get paid for.

But then again, there will come a time when I started to feel useless and worthless. To avoid feeling that familiar self-pity again, I convinced myself that I have been paid to take my job seriously. It defines my purpose of existence. Hence, I shouldn’t expect more than anything in return. I should  feel enough with the salary I’m receiving. By principle, it works this way. But the human being in me and possibly to all of us, reality works in a different scheme. My imperfectly perfect human self is not a machine that just needs oil and occasional maintenance to work. I don’t feel valuable. I’m losing the remaining self-esteem I have everyday.

Allow me to confide something. Much of the sadness I have now is attributed to my work status. My stagnant position and the questionably deteriorating relationship with a key person at the workplace. I have been tired. I have done my share to give that person my best output. I do whatever the key person asks me to do. I get the job done. I get everything accomplished, even with all the troubles and hindrances along the way. I never made excuses not to deliver.

Somewhere along the way, part of that harmonious relationship was rifted with that suspension record and that story about honesty. I felt bad. I wanted to be fair so I confided my sentiments. I don’t count myself as one of those employees who stabs colleagues and superiors in the most discrete way. Smiling at them and pretending everything is fine. But check out their Facebook accounts for the real story.

I respected that key person and part of that respect is to render honesty. I have been honest in every way I can. But over the past months, I can’t anymore understand whether my honesty is needed. There were instances when I tried to explain some trouble that happened. I received the sharpest words in return. The price to pay for my honesty. I was explaining my point, but I was cut ahead. I was made to feel that I’m one immature, sore loser and childish employee. It surely hurt. I started to distance myself. It was my way of healing another set of wounds planted. The wounds have been healed, but the scars remained. Unfortunately, I got dependent with the distance. It’s now a struggle to eliminate that distance.

What surprised me lately, the distance paved the way for discoveries. I was able to open some cans of worms I never knew existed. One of which is the artificial definition of loyalty. The distance enabled me to see and redefine the meaning of loyalty for some people.  I started to open cards revealing  dark sides. I began to understand that at the end of the day, downfall determines real character of the people that surrounds you. On those times when you needed someone to pull you up, much of the people you thought as friends or allies  were pushing you down instead.

I began to discover and realise that some people change and the unfortunate truth, they broke their own set of dignified principles. Years or months ago, we questioned people whose real character was hidden beneath selfish motives. It took me some time to notice that in the end, you are now one of them. I maybe wrong. I may have misinterpreted things. But this was the character revealed by your actions. Or maybe, despite all these years, I remain as the naive, ignorant and stupid employee. It was your way of personal survival.

Lastly, it didn’t help that I discovered someone who betrayed me. I confided my sentiments. I trusted you enough. I cried my heart out because I thought I was in the company of a great friend. But I have no regrets at all. I will be forever grateful on those time that you came when I badly needed a friend.

So much tears have been shed writing this post. I have a pending freelance work. I might as well redirect my remaining time to finish a work … more than the additional money, a little proof that I’m more than alive.

Two months

Been missing here over the past two months. A lot has happened but nothing really changed or I should say, nothing improved. I may sound too negative but on the positive side, there were little blessings and happiness that came along the way. Life is not totally bad after all.

I didn’t update this blog for two months because ………. some people discovered the personality behind this blog. I intend to remain anonymous here but somewhere along the way, people discovered that I owned this blog. And those people are unfortunately, not my enemies hahaha but those I don’t have intentions of revealing this side of me.

I initially planned to migrate to another blog. Problem is, it takes forever for the new blog to receive the posts from this blog. Maybe I got the process wrong. And I don’t have the patience to google and do some corrective actions.

I also did not anymore renew the original domain name of this blog. It was intentional after all. My way of diverting the people who discovered this blog.

I’m still clueless what to do for this blog. All I know, I just don’t want to throw it away. It’s been 7 years here! Seven years of frustration and sad stories hahahaha I had a lot of stories lined up for a blog post. But for now, I’ll leave it to this.

Hey May!

May is about to end and as always, I’m writing this entry just to keep the blog alive.

Summer is about to end. A few more sleeps, another school year is about to open. This time however, work life will be a little different. I don’t know if I will still have the opportunity to teach. Given the additional school year of the K-12 program, our college and most universities as well, are faced with the dilemma of no freshmen students. The student populace will decrease, which also meant that the number of subject offerings will lessen. Henceforth, lesser teaching jobs available especially for those who are employed on a part time basis. Priority will be given to the tenured faculty members. In my case, I will surely be confined with office work. The workload may be lighter but I have to admit that I feel concerned with the decrease in income. Teaching may not provide the best pay in the world but at the end of the day, income is still income.

A few days ago I have been rattled. There has been so much concerns going on my mind. I gave up. The future plans are important but the presence circumstances demand more attention. But then again, I cannot always live with this kind of system. I have to simultaneously handle all these concerns.

I have a lot to write these days but I’m saving it for another post or probably, in another place to begin with.

Checking in for April

Checking in again, just to ensure that this blog is updated and remains alive at least once every month.

Despite my laziness to update this blog, I still receive hits and comments. In particular, my experience from Club Ultima drove the most number of readers. I can’t remember when did that post start to generate readers. I started to recognise everything when on the average, I get notifications for the post every month. Sometimes, at least once a week. There were readers who shared my experience and agreed with my sentiments. Likewise, there were those who opposed and seemed to protect the company involved. There were a few who insinuated a cyber quarrel. A few years ago, this can probably provoke an ire on my end. I admit to feel affected especially when the tone of the reader tends to make me appear stupid and dishonest. But these days, all the grown up concerns I have are overpowering me. Hence, those petty commenters just appear to be irritating dirt I can easily shrug off. Is this a sign of maturity? If yes, then I can probably claim that I have unlock at least one level of maturity achievement. Hahahaha

Meanwhile, my new journey series is still…. a journey and struggle. As much as I want to bring good news, I’m still on the process of cleaning my credit card mess. A few years ago, I forecasted that I’m over and done at the age of 33. With the way things are going, I’m still   working my way.

I have so much to share. I have so much to write. Most are unfortunately not good. I’m not saying that everything I have in my life now is so bad. There are still some good things I’m thankful for. It’s just that at this point, the struggles are overpowering me. Whatever it is, as always, I have to keep things going. If I have good friends who can read this, I humbly seek prayers from your end. Just utter a little prayer for me🙂 I always believe that prayers, regardless of religion, works in its own mysterious ways.

Have a great week ahead🙂