Still Alive

Part of me wanted to maintain this blog. But my actions speak otherwise.¬†I only log in to this account when the month is about to end. Just to ensure that I make at least one post every month. Suffice to say, it’s what keeps this blog alive.

From the way I sound, I act as if there’s some pressure I have to deal with. Like I need to post at least once a month or else, something will be at stake. Haha It’s a matter of personal pressure. I attribute everything to my blogging mojo over the past years. I used to be active here. I have one post every weekend. Or whenever something significant happens to my life, positive or negative, there’s surely a post to document everything. But over the past two years, I’m just here to keep things alive. To justify the domain name, which I already gave up by the way.

I miss writing about my sentiments. One of those days when I felt right but I chose to remain silent. Arguments and debates are never my thing. While part of me admits that I’m a confrontational person, I learned over time that some battles are never worth it. I used to be a silent person. I prefer to bear all the inconveniences. Over time, I learned that my timid personality will not bring me anywhere. So I learned to speak up and address my issues. I express my sentiments. I became brutally honest, which brought me another learning. Some people are not ready for the truth. To make a little discrete, some people can’t handle honesty. They prefer to keep silent and pretend that everything is perfect. So there, I have to relearn my soft spoken and quiet personality years ago. As it appears to me, my life evolves on cycles.

Other than my foolish and shallow sentiments, here are the other things that bothers or keep me alive ūüėČ lately

  1. The road to financial freedom … and it remains as a struggle. There are still debts.. growing debts to pay.. Part of me dreams of winning the lottery (who doesn’t) if such happens, then all my financial burdens will go away. Even if I only receive ¬†even half a million pesos, everything will be well ūüėõ But I knew, this will never the right approach to learn and grow up.
  2. Weight gain problems … and I’m still expanding .. standing at 150 lbs, this is my heaviest in my entire years of existence. I started to engage in some physical activities and so far, my weight remains static. Although I’ve noticed improvements on my arms. The skin has become firmer. I’m starting to bid goodbye to my flabby arms.
  3. Still confused about my plans of moving to another job ….
  4. Starting to rethink about my career path… They say that you can find your true calling in life by recalling the things you love to do….. ¬†back when you don’t have to worry about paying bills and all the grown up stuff. You might be surprised, I wasn’t into writing. I was into drawing, arts and craft making. Many years ago, everyone in the family is expecting me to pursue Fine Arts. Things changed, I ended with a quantitative degree in college. This was given the fact that I failed my Algebra subjects in two quarters back, in high school freshmen… I’m starting to think, I’m a person who lives in cycles of transformation ;P One day, I’m like this. The next day, I’m another person. In the end, I’m back to my old self.

I think I have written more than enough … for a month long absence. hahaha I need to get back to work. I have a long day ahead ūüôā

Wishing everyone a great day ahead!

 

 

 

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Thank you 2016

A few¬† more hours before 2016 ends. I almost forgot, I haven’t updated this blog for December. Same as with the previous months. This was my least active year in this blog. I would only force myself to write before every month ends. Not that I have disliked blogging. I’m still in love with writing. It’s just that maybe, I got tired of writing lonely thoughts. I felt that I would be writing the same issues again. But then, a friend said blogging enables us to know ourselves better. True. Looking back at the previous posts, I learned my previous struggles and how I was able to overcome each. More importantly, I learned how shallow were my problems before. Haha

2016 was bitter sweet. But as compared to 2015, it was way better. I shed a lot of tears in 2015. In 2016, there were still crying moments but I guess, it was lesser. In 2015, I was an active jobseeker. Towards the end of 2015, I¬† got tired. I placed everything on hold in 2016. In my mind, maybe I’m just impulsive and pressured by all the negative sentiments. So I tried to figure out everything in 2016. There were no job interviews and applications. As 2017 comes, I have to decide. But saying this, I think I’m just pressuring myself. As of typing this, I still feel undecided.

As for my financial management, this is where I need to improve. I was financially struggling in 2016. I hope to be a better financial manager to myself this year.

I always say that I only have a few friends left. I was forced to burn bridges with a few many years ago. This year, I lost friends in my Facebook account. Hahahaha Yes, there were people who unfriended me. There were people I thought who were trustworthy. There were relationships that deteriorated. I became a witness to dirty workplace politics. At the end of the day, I was glad that I still have a few friends to keep me company. I still have friends who were always willing to listen. I have friends who understood my struggles. Same goes with my family. I will always be grateful for my parents who supported me in all my endeavors. Special mention to my parents, they are the wind beneath my wings. I cannot imagine surviving everything without them. I was also blessed with cousins, who know nothing about my struggles, but never fails to make me the happiest. My cousins from my maternal side, those who I rarely see, are equally the best. When my special brother got sick in the middle of the year, I received unexpected financial assistance from them. I will forever be grateful.

There were unexpected trips this year, one local and the other was abroad. I went back to Hong Kong again and explored the wonderful city of Ilocos. Travel is expensive but with proper financial management, I can accommodate at least one every year. My dream is to visit one new place every year. I hope this will continue in 2017, even in the most unexpected way.

How could I forget all the freelance works. More than the additional earnings, the freelance works saved me and my sanity. I fell fulfilled every time I’m able to help a client. More so, when they are able to achieve their degree.

For the longest time, I’ve been wanting a surprise birthday cake. This even became a part of the bio / description of my IG account. Days before my birthday, I edited my bio which alarmed my friends. Turns out, they were planning something. It was the best birthday after so many years.

To start new ventures, to tick off items in my bucket list, to manage my financial status, I have a lot in my list for 2017. But if I were to simplify everything, I just want the strength and courage to overcome everything. And for anyone reading this post,¬† I wish you the same. ūüôā Here’s to a better and happier 2017 for all of us!!!

Hello and Goodbye November

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I remain “post-less” this November. I never got the time and energy to revive this blog. So then again, I’m just writing for the sake of maintaining one post every month. I had some travel opportunities this month. It was great! While some aspects in my life remains unchanged, and still struggling, I would like to believe there are still some ¬†blessings and good things that happened along the way. On my December break, I will write a real post. I have a lot to rethink. I have to layout plans. I have to grow up.

Before October ends

I never had intentions of blogging. I knew I will be writing another sad post. But then again, I promised myself that I will keep this blog alive. I have to upload a post at least once a month.

I was about to start my daily exercise when I decided to logged in. No entry for October and it’s the 31st already.

My career plans are still on status quo. From the looks of everything, the only way for me to progress is to move to another job. Before moving on, I have to undergo the process of job search again. For someone in her 30s, finding a job becomes more challenging especially if your portfolio does not speak of any supervisory experience. I check my Job Street account once in a while but ¬†nothing interests me. A few days ago, I revisited¬†a previous company that interviewed me many years ago. There was a position that suits my expertise. It’s a different position though. I was in the brink of submitting my resume not until I checked their reviews on Glassdoor. This website serves as a blessing and a curse. It’s great to have a central feedback system from the employees of different companies. But the negative feedback are disgusting and will make one think twice of pursuing the application. Unfortunately for this company who interviewed me years ago…. the reviews are too negative. Their acceptance rating are relatively low, compared to the average of other¬†companies. So there, I did not pursue the application.

I have become more confused. I’m not sure if I should still pursue my intentions to leave my current job and employer. The worsening traffic in Manila has also discouraged me to apply for other companies situated in the central business districts of Makati and BGC. Friends and relatives who work in those areas devote almost 8 hours a day just for travel. Four hours in the morning and another four hours in the evening under worst conditions.

Added to all my worries, my financial management issues remain unresolved…. It’s hard to grow up. It’s harder when you are forced to grow up.

While the status of my job / career remain unquestionable, part of me wants to excel in other fields of discipline. I wanted my freelance work to prosper and my blog life to progress. I maintain another blog that is “happier”, “livelier” and I guess, more positive. My long term dream is to be recognized by a brand, become partners with them or obtain a part time work /partnership from blogging. Although I don’t want to level up to excessive commercialism, I hope to level up my blogging and writing portfolio. If I can’t get promoted or progress at work, maybe in other domains.

Every now and then, I fear that I would retire and die with nothing. If I will not have my own family, I want to be respected in my domain. I want to excel at least in one area. If my current job will not provide it, at least other fields like blogging, writing and recently, prettifying my instagram account. Hahaha This is a new found hobby I discovered lately. I love doing flat lays, editing photos and hoping to land on a spread of a lifestyle magazine… or become a part of a brand / company with this hobby.

So there goes my rant again. ūüôā Apologies for spreading some negative vibes here. Despite the¬†struggles, I can’t wait for the day when I will write a happy post again.

Disorganized

Lost. Confused.Pathetic.

Bottomline, unhappy.

I’ve been struggling almost a year. Everything still boils down to the state of my career life. How to find happiness when

  1. You are facing the dead end at the workplace. No more promotional opportunities available. No more chance to increase salary.
  2. Being betrayed by people you trusted for the longest time
  3. Surrounded by ungrateful people and as of typing this, I want to break someone into pieces.But I know I can’t, and will never.
  4. Deteriorating professional relationships
  5. people you once looked up to, but at the end of the day, were also eaten up by the workplace politics

No matter how I look at it, I’m on the losing end.

For the longest time, I’ve been avoiding accessing this blog. I’m about to make another recurring pathetic post as soon as I logged in here.

I have this habit of over-analyzing situations and later, wallowing in the misery attributed to it.

At the end of each day, I try to process everything. I came to a point when I discredit my own sentiments. Maybe I’m the one who needed to be fixed. Maybe it all boils down on me. In my effort to make myself believe that it’s only me to blame, ¬†I end up blaming myself again.

I’m not sure how long I will survive this struggle. Every week I’m crying. There’s this one day when I will cry myself to sleep.

Call it envy, but it doesn’t surely help when I discover the success of my friends and former colleagues in other companies. While they are having the time of their lives, while they are building up more milestones, here am I…. wallowing in misery, feeling useless and worthless.

I just made a very disorganized post. Perfect example of how I feel now.

That familiar feeling

I’ve been feeling this for a year. I’m a huge disappointment. Everything boils down to the status of my career life. I’m done with my carefree 20s. I never envisioned myself to feel this way in my 30s.

I still have a job and a great family. It should have been thankful. I know. Much of the problem arises from my more than 10-year old job. Been on the same company for more than a decade. I started out great.What I didn’t foresee, I will reach the point when everything else feels so worthless.

It is easy to say that everything is attributed to the fact that there are no more opportunities available for me. I’m stuck to where I am. I have exhausted all promotional opportunities. I’m facing a dead end. Years ago, I was fine with this outcome. I knew it would come. But then again, it always feels different once you reached that road. Modesty aside, I can claim that I deliver what is expected from me. I do my best to create the best reports. Every now and then, I try to discover and self study other methods and techniques to make my reports better. I have lived with the principle that there should be something new from the routinely outputs,¬†so as to remove the negative connotation with routine. While I may appear as another monotonous employee, I ensure that my work output spells the difference. I may not be the friendliest and the most law abiding citizen at the workplace. Hell to tardiness. But I don’t and never did mess up for the main reason I get paid for.

But then again, there will come a time when I started to¬†feel useless and worthless. To avoid feeling that familiar self-pity again, I convinced myself that I have been paid to take my job seriously. It defines my purpose of existence. Hence, I shouldn’t expect more than anything in return. I should ¬†feel enough with the salary I’m receiving. By principle, it works this way. But the human being in me and possibly to all of us, reality works in a different scheme. My imperfectly perfect human self is not a machine that just needs oil and occasional maintenance to work. I don’t feel valuable. I’m losing the remaining self-esteem I have everyday.

Allow me to confide something. Much of the sadness I have now is attributed to my work status. My stagnant position and the questionably deteriorating relationship with a key person at the workplace. I have been tired. I have done my share to give that person my best output. I do whatever the key person asks me to do. I get the job done. I get everything accomplished, even with all the troubles and hindrances along the way. I never made excuses not to deliver.

Somewhere along the way, part of that harmonious¬†relationship was rifted with that suspension record and that story about honesty. I felt bad. I wanted to be fair so I confided my sentiments. I don’t count myself as one of those employees who stabs colleagues and superiors in the most discrete way. Smiling at them and pretending everything is fine. But check out their Facebook accounts for the real story.

I respected that key person¬†and part of that respect is to render honesty. I have been honest in every way I can. But over the past months, I can’t anymore understand whether my honesty is needed. There were instances when I tried to explain some trouble that happened.¬†I received¬†the sharpest words in¬†return. The price to pay for my honesty. I was explaining my point, but I was cut ahead. I was made to¬†feel that I’m one immature, sore loser and childish employee. It surely hurt. I started to distance myself. It was my way of healing another set of wounds planted. The wounds have been healed, but the scars remained. Unfortunately, I got dependent with the distance. It’s now a struggle to eliminate that distance.

What surprised me lately, the distance paved the way for discoveries. I was able to open some cans of worms I never knew existed. One of which is the artificial definition of loyalty. The distance enabled me to see and redefine the meaning of loyalty for some people.  I started to open cards revealing  dark sides. I began to understand that at the end of the day, downfall determines real character of the people that surrounds you. On those times when you needed someone to pull you up, much of the people you thought as friends or allies  were pushing you down instead.

I began to discover and realise that some people change and the unfortunate truth, they broke their own set of dignified principles. Years or months ago, we questioned people whose real character was hidden beneath selfish motives. It took me some time to notice that in the end, you are now one of them. I maybe wrong. I may have misinterpreted things. But this was the character revealed by your actions. Or maybe, despite all these years, I remain as the naive, ignorant and stupid employee. It was your way of personal survival.

Lastly, it didn’t help that I discovered someone who betrayed me. I confided my sentiments. I trusted you enough. I cried my heart out because I thought I was in the company of a great friend. But I have no regrets at all. I will be forever grateful on those time that you came when I badly needed a friend.

So much tears have been shed writing this post. I have a pending freelance work. I might as well redirect my remaining time to finish a work … more than the additional money, a little proof that I’m more than alive.

Two months

Been missing here over the past two months. A lot has happened but nothing really changed or I should say, nothing improved. I may sound too negative but on the positive side, there were little blessings and happiness that came along the way. Life is not totally bad after all.

I didn’t update this blog for two months because ………. some people discovered the personality behind this blog. I intend to remain anonymous here but somewhere along the way, people discovered that I owned this blog. And those people are unfortunately, not my enemies hahaha but those I don’t have intentions of revealing this side of me.

I initially planned to migrate to another blog. Problem is, it takes forever for the new blog to receive the posts from this blog. Maybe I got the process wrong. And I don’t have the patience to google and do some corrective actions.

I also did not anymore renew the original domain name of this blog. It was intentional after all. My way of diverting the people who discovered this blog.

I’m still clueless what to do for this blog. All I know, I just don’t want to throw it away. It’s been 7 years here! Seven years of frustration and sad stories hahahaha I had a lot of stories lined up for a blog post. But for now, I’ll leave it to this.