Lost. Confused.Pathetic.

Bottomline, unhappy.

I’ve been struggling almost a year. Everything still boils down to the state of my career life. How to find happiness when

  1. You are facing the dead end at the workplace. No more promotional opportunities available. No more chance to increase salary.
  2. Being betrayed by people you trusted for the longest time
  3. Surrounded by ungrateful people and as of typing this, I want to break someone into pieces.But I know I can’t, and will never.
  4. Deteriorating professional relationships
  5. people you once looked up to, but at the end of the day, were also eaten up by the workplace politics

No matter how I look at it, I’m on the losing end.

For the longest time, I’ve been avoiding accessing this blog. I’m about to make another recurring pathetic post as soon as I logged in here.

I have this habit of over-analyzing situations and later, wallowing in the misery attributed to it.

At the end of each day, I try to process everything. I came to a point when I discredit my own sentiments. Maybe I’m the one who needed to be fixed. Maybe it all boils down on me. In my effort to make myself believe that it’s only me to blame,  I end up blaming myself again.

I’m not sure how long I will survive this struggle. Every week I’m crying. There’s this one day when I will cry myself to sleep.

Call it envy, but it doesn’t surely help when I discover the success of my friends and former colleagues in other companies. While they are having the time of their lives, while they are building up more milestones, here am I…. wallowing in misery, feeling useless and worthless.

I just made a very disorganized post. Perfect example of how I feel now.

That familiar feeling

I’ve been feeling this for a year. I’m a huge disappointment. Everything boils down to the status of my career life. I’m done with my carefree 20s. I never envisioned myself to feel this way in my 30s.

I still have a job and a great family. It should have been thankful. I know. Much of the problem arises from my more than 10-year old job. Been on the same company for more than a decade. I started out great.What I didn’t foresee, I will reach the point when everything else feels so worthless.

It is easy to say that everything is attributed to the fact that there are no more opportunities available for me. I’m stuck to where I am. I have exhausted all promotional opportunities. I’m facing a dead end. Years ago, I was fine with this outcome. I knew it would come. But then again, it always feels different once you reached that road. Modesty aside, I can claim that I deliver what is expected from me. I do my best to create the best reports. Every now and then, I try to discover and self study other methods and techniques to make my reports better. I have lived with the principle that there should be something new from the routinely outputs, so as to remove the negative connotation with routine. While I may appear as another monotonous employee, I ensure that my work output spells the difference. I may not be the friendliest and the most law abiding citizen at the workplace. Hell to tardiness. But I don’t and never did mess up for the main reason I get paid for.

But then again, there will come a time when I started to feel useless and worthless. To avoid feeling that familiar self-pity again, I convinced myself that I have been paid to take my job seriously. It defines my purpose of existence. Hence, I shouldn’t expect more than anything in return. I should  feel enough with the salary I’m receiving. By principle, it works this way. But the human being in me and possibly to all of us, reality works in a different scheme. My imperfectly perfect human self is not a machine that just needs oil and occasional maintenance to work. I don’t feel valuable. I’m losing the remaining self-esteem I have everyday.

Allow me to confide something. Much of the sadness I have now is attributed to my work status. My stagnant position and the questionably deteriorating relationship with a key person at the workplace. I have been tired. I have done my share to give that person my best output. I do whatever the key person asks me to do. I get the job done. I get everything accomplished, even with all the troubles and hindrances along the way. I never made excuses not to deliver.

Somewhere along the way, part of that harmonious relationship was rifted with that suspension record and that story about honesty. I felt bad. I wanted to be fair so I confided my sentiments. I don’t count myself as one of those employees who stabs colleagues and superiors in the most discrete way. Smiling at them and pretending everything is fine. But check out their Facebook accounts for the real story.

I respected that key person and part of that respect is to render honesty. I have been honest in every way I can. But over the past months, I can’t anymore understand whether my honesty is needed. There were instances when I tried to explain some trouble that happened. I received the sharpest words in return. The price to pay for my honesty. I was explaining my point, but I was cut ahead. I was made to feel that I’m one immature, sore loser and childish employee. It surely hurt. I started to distance myself. It was my way of healing another set of wounds planted. The wounds have been healed, but the scars remained. Unfortunately, I got dependent with the distance. It’s now a struggle to eliminate that distance.

What surprised me lately, the distance paved the way for discoveries. I was able to open some cans of worms I never knew existed. One of which is the artificial definition of loyalty. The distance enabled me to see and redefine the meaning of loyalty for some people.  I started to open cards revealing  dark sides. I began to understand that at the end of the day, downfall determines real character of the people that surrounds you. On those times when you needed someone to pull you up, much of the people you thought as friends or allies  were pushing you down instead.

I began to discover and realise that some people change and the unfortunate truth, they broke their own set of dignified principles. Years or months ago, we questioned people whose real character was hidden beneath selfish motives. It took me some time to notice that in the end, you are now one of them. I maybe wrong. I may have misinterpreted things. But this was the character revealed by your actions. Or maybe, despite all these years, I remain as the naive, ignorant and stupid employee. It was your way of personal survival.

Lastly, it didn’t help that I discovered someone who betrayed me. I confided my sentiments. I trusted you enough. I cried my heart out because I thought I was in the company of a great friend. But I have no regrets at all. I will be forever grateful on those time that you came when I badly needed a friend.

So much tears have been shed writing this post. I have a pending freelance work. I might as well redirect my remaining time to finish a work … more than the additional money, a little proof that I’m more than alive.

Two months

Been missing here over the past two months. A lot has happened but nothing really changed or I should say, nothing improved. I may sound too negative but on the positive side, there were little blessings and happiness that came along the way. Life is not totally bad after all.

I didn’t update this blog for two months because ………. some people discovered the personality behind this blog. I intend to remain anonymous here but somewhere along the way, people discovered that I owned this blog. And those people are unfortunately, not my enemies hahaha but those I don’t have intentions of revealing this side of me.

I initially planned to migrate to another blog. Problem is, it takes forever for the new blog to receive the posts from this blog. Maybe I got the process wrong. And I don’t have the patience to google and do some corrective actions.

I also did not anymore renew the original domain name of this blog. It was intentional after all. My way of diverting the people who discovered this blog.

I’m still clueless what to do for this blog. All I know, I just don’t want to throw it away. It’s been 7 years here! Seven years of frustration and sad stories hahahaha I had a lot of stories lined up for a blog post. But for now, I’ll leave it to this.

Hey May!

May is about to end and as always, I’m writing this entry just to keep the blog alive.

Summer is about to end. A few more sleeps, another school year is about to open. This time however, work life will be a little different. I don’t know if I will still have the opportunity to teach. Given the additional school year of the K-12 program, our college and most universities as well, are faced with the dilemma of no freshmen students. The student populace will decrease, which also meant that the number of subject offerings will lessen. Henceforth, lesser teaching jobs available especially for those who are employed on a part time basis. Priority will be given to the tenured faculty members. In my case, I will surely be confined with office work. The workload may be lighter but I have to admit that I feel concerned with the decrease in income. Teaching may not provide the best pay in the world but at the end of the day, income is still income.

A few days ago I have been rattled. There has been so much concerns going on my mind. I gave up. The future plans are important but the presence circumstances demand more attention. But then again, I cannot always live with this kind of system. I have to simultaneously handle all these concerns.

I have a lot to write these days but I’m saving it for another post or probably, in another place to begin with.

Checking in for April

Checking in again, just to ensure that this blog is updated and remains alive at least once every month.

Despite my laziness to update this blog, I still receive hits and comments. In particular, my experience from Club Ultima drove the most number of readers. I can’t remember when did that post start to generate readers. I started to recognise everything when on the average, I get notifications for the post every month. Sometimes, at least once a week. There were readers who shared my experience and agreed with my sentiments. Likewise, there were those who opposed and seemed to protect the company involved. There were a few who insinuated a cyber quarrel. A few years ago, this can probably provoke an ire on my end. I admit to feel affected especially when the tone of the reader tends to make me appear stupid and dishonest. But these days, all the grown up concerns I have are overpowering me. Hence, those petty commenters just appear to be irritating dirt I can easily shrug off. Is this a sign of maturity? If yes, then I can probably claim that I have unlock at least one level of maturity achievement. Hahahaha

Meanwhile, my new journey series is still…. a journey and struggle. As much as I want to bring good news, I’m still on the process of cleaning my credit card mess. A few years ago, I forecasted that I’m over and done at the age of 33. With the way things are going, I’m still   working my way.

I have so much to share. I have so much to write. Most are unfortunately not good. I’m not saying that everything I have in my life now is so bad. There are still some good things I’m thankful for. It’s just that at this point, the struggles are overpowering me. Whatever it is, as always, I have to keep things going. If I have good friends who can read this, I humbly seek prayers from your end. Just utter a little prayer for me 🙂 I always believe that prayers, regardless of religion, works in its own mysterious ways.

Have a great week ahead 🙂

The truth about some bloggers

Years ago, me and my friend established a little business. We weren’t planning something grand. In a way, we were just testing the waters of doing business on top of our day job. Along the way I have to admit, we have secret hopes and ambitions. At the end of the day, we wanted something that can complement our employment earnings.

I was aware that we will not survive by simply relying to referrals or contacts from relatives. We needed a concrete promotional machinery. Biased as I maybe, I suggested to promote our business through bloggers. I prepared proposal letters to a number of selected bloggers. I was excited and optimistic. I have been reading these bloggers for quite some time. I was inspired, impressed and moved by their friendly attitude and regular emphasis of their willingness to support start up and promising businesses.

Sadly, the response rate of my proposal letter was not good. I was optimistic because the bloggers I approached gave me an image that they are a community of friends, partners and fairy godmothers, who have a heart for starting businesses. I approached them because I have read in one of their posts that they are open for partnerships and collaborations, especially for businesses that complemented their personality and interests. I had high hopes. Sadly, I can only count the bloggers who took time to respond.

I was thankful to the few who responded. Unfortunately, that little glimmer of hope for collaboration, sponsorships leading to promotion faded away. I was blown away by probably, the unwritten practice or culture of blog sponsorships and collaborations.

One blogger agreed to accept our services for the birthday of a family member. Problem is, everything went as a short notice. I even got sick along the way. I offered to send product samples in exchange for an article. I retreated my effort because apart from the product samples, I have to pay some money for the article. Nevertheless, I appreciate this blogger’s response.

Another blogger offered a different partnership. She wanted a commissioned work . We were constrained with time again. I offered to sponsor materials for her own project. I even volunteered to personally deliver the items for her own convenience. There were minor problems along the way, which I will no longer mention. But how this blogger treated me was something not worth mentioning anymore. As much as we value our own time, I believe we need to foster the same level of respect to other’s people time …. more so, efforts.

My worst experience was from this food blogger who promised to do two things. An ad space and an article in exchange for the product samples we sent. We had a little misunderstanding along the way. I humbly apologised though. I accepted our fault. As much as I want to give the benefit of the doubt, this blogger did not conform with our agreement. She never blogged about the product sample. Although the side bar ad was existent for a while. I tried to email her several times. I never received any response so I took it as a sign that she has no intentions to publish or even mention us in one of her articles.

The only blogger who was able to show us a high level of professionalism was S. Our business proposal came before I personally met and become friends with S. I sent an email to S. S willingly accommodated our proposal. S was more than willing to accept our product samples. S even agreed to place a sidebar ad for free. I was surprised. While it would cost me thousand of pesos to place a side bar to other bloggers, here is S willing to adopt our little and struggling business. Although my fault because I never got to send her the jpg file and the html codes. At that time, I was beginning to drift away from using bloggers as partners for promotions.

I’m aware of the fact that I cannot force other people to accommodate our proposal. I may appear bitter but I keep wondering, how some bloggers would often emphasise their inclination to support small and starting businesses. Some would even claim that it would be a humbling opportunity for their blogs to pave the way for promising business. I was easily convinced by these words. Only to later discover the amount of money and products I needed to shell out, to gain a space for promotions or even just a mention in one of their articles. I will not however discount the fact that these bloggers have exerted efforts and expenses to reach their current state, popularity and influence. They know their worth and I respect that. However, part of me always feels confused whenever I would hear / read them saying that they love to help entrepreneurs and start up businesses.

There are are bloggers claiming to fulfill their passion to share, become a good influence and spread some positivity in the blogosphere. But at the end of the day and all the experiences I had, everything translated as to how much resources I can venture on them.

I’d like to think that the bloggers I approached are treating blogging as a profession. Hence, everything requires a professional fee. Maybe I can equate it in my position as a part time freelancer. I don’t feel good when a client tends to haggle with my professional fee. Bloggers are professionals as well. Hence, the professional fees I have to incur. However, I believe that my position as a freelancer is incomparable because in the first place, I never projected a welcoming aura of deceit. I’m always clear to my clients that I implement professional fee rates for the kind of work I can offer. I don’t present an artificial image of myself in order to win clients.

It seems to me now that I have to calibrate my expectations. While it is always inspiring to hear encouraging and welcoming words from some bloggers, part of me should bear in mind that at the end of the day…. there’s no free lunch and somewhere along the way, there’s always that layer of sugar coat I have to learn to discretely and skillfully scrape off.

Before February ends

I almost allowed February to pass without a blog post. I have been occupied with freelance works lately. The freelance works have been helping in paying the bills and covering up for unexpected purchases. I was able to finally replace my inefficient mobile phone. Now I know how it feels to have a mobile phone that can easily attach, download and view documents. Added to this a clearer view of photos from my social media accounts. 🙂

I’m flooded with freelance works, setting aside my day job. At some point, I feel that my day job is suffering because I end up feeling so sleepy every time I report for work. But the true casualty of my desire to earn more is my health. The colds that don’t seem to go away. The excessive coke and junk food intake. Aside from the challenge to become financially independent, this is another battle I have to win.

A few days ago, I got a threatening email from my credit company. I was compelled to pay my pending balance in the soonest possible time. I didn’t feel threatened. I felt insulted and disrespected. Prior to the email, I was aware of my inability to settle my account balance. I overlooked the due date and admitted that it was an honest mistake on my end. I even called up the company to relate my case. I requested that the late payment fee be waived, since I already paid my  balance upon realizing my mistake. I was instructed to wait a few more days because my payment hasn’t been posted. So I thought everything is doing well. But with the arrival of the threatening email, I felt the other party disregarding our previous conversation. For the company, this may sound as another case of miscommunication or system error. But for customers like me, the impact is nothing but an unpleasant experience.

The case has been resolved now. If there’s anything good that this inconvenience brought me, it’s the awakening about my financial independence. One morning, I woke up bothered with all the bills to pay. I have to do something. Then again it dawned on me, how? My earnings from my day job will never be enough. The freelance works has to do it. Sometimes, I wish that I’l just win the lottery. It will resolve everything and I can start a new life again. The probability that will happen is 0.0000000000001 %. Hahaha I have to pay for everything the hardest and painful way.

A month ago, I watched this film starred by Vilma Santos and Angel Locsin. Me and my friend burst out laughing when Vilma Santos reminded Angel Locsin about financial independence. Vilma emphasized at the age of 30, one should be debt free and on the path of building wealth. Sure enough, I died. How I wish some Vilma Santos will come to  my life and handle my financial struggles.

Back before the past year ended, I became an active jobseeker. I finally got an interview to one of my dream companies. On the way for the entrance examination, I was thinking of my separation pay. Should I get hired to my dream company, I can start a new life. I can use my separation pay to settle the credit card bills. I have a new job. My self-esteem will be back. Everything will be fine again. I got so ambitious. I didn’t pass the employment examination. I’m still on the same company.

The rare times I join meetings and social gatherings, I always feel belittled. These people around me, I keep wondering about their financial state. I have this feeling that I’m the most financially messed up person in the place. I admit, I sometimes feel that this financial struggle is robbing me off my self-esteem.

Life may not be good for me … financially.  I’m messed up. And while I’m still trying to work things out, I still have one thing to thank for. #Family It’s Sunday night and I treated everyone for pizza delivery. We love Yellow Cab’s Dear Darla pizza and spicy chicken wings. I feel more than enough when I see my family enjoying the simplest things I can afford.