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Summer of 2017

Last day of May and I almost skipped my effort to maintain my monthly blog post. As always, where did time go?

I can still remember the last few days of March leading to the annual graduation ceremonies. I fulfilled my last few responsibilities in my teaching stint. Office work was fine, but part of me feels that I’m not productive.  We were quite blessed with long holiday breaks from the Holy Week and the visit of some ASEAN leaders. We had our annual summer outing at the workplace and while I enjoyed it with my friends, I came home problematic when my mobile phone broke down. Acquiring another phone is out of the plan this year. Some blessings came because my reliable mentor gave me some freelance works. Added to this, my phone line enabled me to acquire a new handset at a discounted rate. I thought my problem was over not until Apple / PowerMac gave me one of my worst nightmares. The first handset I received was defective. It took PowerMac two repairs to declare that it’s gone to iCloud heaven. I received a replacement phone, which was again, defective. To my count, I’ve been to PowerMac service center twice every week to deal with a defective phone. With the experience, I would like to believe that this has to be my first and last iPhone ever. I’m really disappointed with Apple and Power Mac.

While typing this post, I remember another shattering story. Betrayal killed another friendship again. If this happened earlier, I would have blogged the entire story. Unfortunately, I feel tired to recall and relate all the details. I just can’t believe how some people would give up their integrity in exchange for some personal gain and advantage. What I know for sure, you can never have that trust and respect from other people once you resort in this kind of system.

As for my career plans, my application to this government agency was revived again. After passing the grueling exam, I never received any word from the HR. Two months after, I was requested to report for another exam. It’s been two weeks since I took the exam and as always, I’m left hanging in the tree of uncertainty.

I would like to write more but my thoughts are all scattered. One moment, I think about my career, changing life principles, financial state and later my long suppressed and expired?!? teenage romantic hormones are activated. :p A grown up who develops a crush and making all means to get his attention. Oh and watching some Korean dramas is giving me entertainment and making me hold on to false hopes.

My life and direction is currently filled with confusion, pathetic thoughts, heartaches, and disappointments. I feel like a failure although at some point, I’m trying to convince myself that I’m probably on a motionless phase. Nothing seem to happen, nothing seem to change because I’m not doing anything to move forward.

 

Missed March

Had it not because of the new followers and likes, I would not notice that I remained “post less” for March. I intend to keep this blog alive by maintaining at least one blog post in a month.

March was my busiest month at work. I had two major projects undertaken at work. The last leg of the project was the most exhausting. Reporting for work before 7 am and leaving beyond 9 pm. Added to this the overtimes I rendered days and weeks before the activity. Everything was all done last Wednesday. I took a leave on Friday and it was one of the best decisions I made. Having a three-day weekend was more than enough to rejuvenate and recover my tired self.

I’m typing this on a Sunday night and in a few hours, I’m back to my daily grind. There is still work ahead of me. While preparing my things, I felt that sudden sadness again. I feel like a huge mess and disappointment.

I’m tired of writing sad and pathetic posts. My thoughts are all scattered. But life goes on. I have responsibilities and obligations ahead of me.

P.S.

Weeks ago, I remember mentioning about my attempts to try my chance to my “dream” company. The second try gave me some optimism. I passed the initial examination. I was told to wait for the succeeding steps. It was a great boost but I haven’t heard from them again. Might as well forget about this and prevent myself to succumb to another failure.

Signs

There was a stage in my life when I would always ask for “signs.” This usually happens when I’m bound to make decisions. Years ago, I remember really liking someone. I’m not sure whether he felt the same. Although part of me believes he wasn’t in any way interested with me. Despite of everything, I had high hopes. I was optimistic. I believed everything will be possible. I also adhered to the idea that God does not refuse our prayers that came with the purest intentions.

Back then, time was not on my side. I was forced to take matters on my own hands. I have to know how he feels about me. Problem is, I don’t have the courage to directly approach him so I asked for signs. While inside the train, I prayed for a butterfly. If I see a butterfly, I’ll take it as a sign that he’s worth it. The chances of seeing a butterfly inside the train is impossible. Much to my surprise, destiny played on me. I didn’t see a live butterfly, but my attention was caught by a lady wearing a set of butterfly earrings.

At that time, I thought I was given a strong signal to believe and pursue my hopes. While I still can’t conclude this story, it’s been years since I last saw him. Nothing prospered. I got occupied with work, other endeavors and with the help of time, I started to forget everything. I don’t think about him as frequent as before. In fact, I started to forget that we share the same birthday. It was only as of typing this when I remember it.

Years passed and I reached my early 30s. I started to doubt and move away from the power of signs. Although admittedly, I still play the idea of asking for signs when faced with decisions. Like my decision to pursue another career. I sought for signs a number of times. Should I stay or should I go? I think this is the only time I will admit and write about it. Signs are telling me to stay. When asking for signs, I would end up encountering a quote or a reminder in my Facebook newsfeed, telling me to stay. Up until recently, I encountered an advice shared by a social media personality.

He said,  living is expensive. We have to accept the fact that survival is our main reason for working. So much self help books are encouraging us to pursue our passions, even though it seems like it can’t even afford to pay a one-month electric bill. We should hold on to our jobs but at the same time, continue to do the things that make us the happiest… even on the shortest weekends or the few hours left after work. We gain that priceless sense of fulfillment when we pursue the things that make us the happiest. Who knows, the future might have a better direction for us. The rare times we follow our passion will lead us to our life changing profession.

Everything spoke about me. On weekdays, I’m occupied with work. But I’m quite fortunate that I’m able to handle my responsibilities. Work is not really draining. It’s the absence of career progress that kills me and my dwindling self-esteem. On weekends, I write for another blog and capture some beautiful photos. I don’t have photography skills but lately, I discovered my niche. 🙂 I capture beautiful photos, compile them in my instagram account. It used to be  a hobby but eventually, new entrepreneurs started to notice my photos. To date, I’m able to score two clients. I manage their Instagram accounts and capture photos for them. Although I don’t get paid for this work, I’m happy receiving product freebies. I also became more attached with my other blog. Blogging, if you can call it writing, and photo styling have become my new found interest and passion lately. These are the shallowest things I do without any compensation, but gives me the much needed happiness and appreciation. I’m leaning to the idea of someday, I hope I can pursue a life from this interest.

Of the few times I discussed the life changing career decision with my friends, leaving always emerged as the best option. All reasons and situations lead to leaving as the best option. I had attempts. I looked for job opportunities but nothing transpired successful. A huge part of me feels afraid of all the uncertainty. My greatest fear is to move to another company ending up crying and telling myself, I should not have left. Life before was way better.

As mentioned in my previous post, I gave up job hunting last year. In 2015, I was an active jobseeker. It wasn’t easy because at that time, I’m also struggling paying bills of a family member stricken with an unexpected illness. Added to this the other bills I have to pay. I got tired and stopped everything in 2016.  When this year started, I tried my  chance again. I submitted an application to a “dream” company. This week, I got a notification that I’m schedule for an examination. It will be my second attempt to this company. Should I fail the second time, I guess I have to give up. But then last night, I read an account of Pia Wurtzbach’s experiences. Hands down. She is living proof that success can be achieved with failures.

As of typing this , I felt weak because I was reminded of the bills to pay. God, I’m so messed up. This also adds up to my reason of looking for another employer. I need to have a better pay but before that, I knew I have to be a better financial manager of myself.

I will not promise that I will stop asking for signs… even though I appear so lame and stupid. But what I can probably ask for, strength to overcome everything and the courage to continuously pursue the profession, make that passion I’ve been meaning to find.

Still Alive

Part of me wanted to maintain this blog. But my actions speak otherwise. I only log in to this account when the month is about to end. Just to ensure that I make at least one post every month. Suffice to say, it’s what keeps this blog alive.

From the way I sound, I act as if there’s some pressure I have to deal with. Like I need to post at least once a month or else, something will be at stake. Haha It’s a matter of personal pressure. I attribute everything to my blogging mojo over the past years. I used to be active here. I have one post every weekend. Or whenever something significant happens to my life, positive or negative, there’s surely a post to document everything. But over the past two years, I’m just here to keep things alive. To justify the domain name, which I already gave up by the way.

I miss writing about my sentiments. One of those days when I felt right but I chose to remain silent. Arguments and debates are never my thing. While part of me admits that I’m a confrontational person, I learned over time that some battles are never worth it. I used to be a silent person. I prefer to bear all the inconveniences. Over time, I learned that my timid personality will not bring me anywhere. So I learned to speak up and address my issues. I express my sentiments. I became brutally honest, which brought me another learning. Some people are not ready for the truth. To make a little discrete, some people can’t handle honesty. They prefer to keep silent and pretend that everything is perfect. So there, I have to relearn my soft spoken and quiet personality years ago. As it appears to me, my life evolves on cycles.

Other than my foolish and shallow sentiments, here are the other things that bothers or keep me alive 😉 lately

  1. The road to financial freedom … and it remains as a struggle. There are still debts.. growing debts to pay.. Part of me dreams of winning the lottery (who doesn’t) if such happens, then all my financial burdens will go away. Even if I only receive  even half a million pesos, everything will be well 😛 But I knew, this will never the right approach to learn and grow up.
  2. Weight gain problems … and I’m still expanding .. standing at 150 lbs, this is my heaviest in my entire years of existence. I started to engage in some physical activities and so far, my weight remains static. Although I’ve noticed improvements on my arms. The skin has become firmer. I’m starting to bid goodbye to my flabby arms.
  3. Still confused about my plans of moving to another job ….
  4. Starting to rethink about my career path… They say that you can find your true calling in life by recalling the things you love to do…..  back when you don’t have to worry about paying bills and all the grown up stuff. You might be surprised, I wasn’t into writing. I was into drawing, arts and craft making. Many years ago, everyone in the family is expecting me to pursue Fine Arts. Things changed, I ended with a quantitative degree in college. This was given the fact that I failed my Algebra subjects in two quarters back, in high school freshmen… I’m starting to think, I’m a person who lives in cycles of transformation ;P One day, I’m like this. The next day, I’m another person. In the end, I’m back to my old self.

I think I have written more than enough … for a month long absence. hahaha I need to get back to work. I have a long day ahead 🙂

Wishing everyone a great day ahead!

 

 

 

Thank you 2016

A few  more hours before 2016 ends. I almost forgot, I haven’t updated this blog for December. Same as with the previous months. This was my least active year in this blog. I would only force myself to write before every month ends. Not that I have disliked blogging. I’m still in love with writing. It’s just that maybe, I got tired of writing lonely thoughts. I felt that I would be writing the same issues again. But then, a friend said blogging enables us to know ourselves better. True. Looking back at the previous posts, I learned my previous struggles and how I was able to overcome each. More importantly, I learned how shallow were my problems before. Haha

2016 was bitter sweet. But as compared to 2015, it was way better. I shed a lot of tears in 2015. In 2016, there were still crying moments but I guess, it was lesser. In 2015, I was an active jobseeker. Towards the end of 2015, I  got tired. I placed everything on hold in 2016. In my mind, maybe I’m just impulsive and pressured by all the negative sentiments. So I tried to figure out everything in 2016. There were no job interviews and applications. As 2017 comes, I have to decide. But saying this, I think I’m just pressuring myself. As of typing this, I still feel undecided.

As for my financial management, this is where I need to improve. I was financially struggling in 2016. I hope to be a better financial manager to myself this year.

I always say that I only have a few friends left. I was forced to burn bridges with a few many years ago. This year, I lost friends in my Facebook account. Hahahaha Yes, there were people who unfriended me. There were people I thought who were trustworthy. There were relationships that deteriorated. I became a witness to dirty workplace politics. At the end of the day, I was glad that I still have a few friends to keep me company. I still have friends who were always willing to listen. I have friends who understood my struggles. Same goes with my family. I will always be grateful for my parents who supported me in all my endeavors. Special mention to my parents, they are the wind beneath my wings. I cannot imagine surviving everything without them. I was also blessed with cousins, who know nothing about my struggles, but never fails to make me the happiest. My cousins from my maternal side, those who I rarely see, are equally the best. When my special brother got sick in the middle of the year, I received unexpected financial assistance from them. I will forever be grateful.

There were unexpected trips this year, one local and the other was abroad. I went back to Hong Kong again and explored the wonderful city of Ilocos. Travel is expensive but with proper financial management, I can accommodate at least one every year. My dream is to visit one new place every year. I hope this will continue in 2017, even in the most unexpected way.

How could I forget all the freelance works. More than the additional earnings, the freelance works saved me and my sanity. I fell fulfilled every time I’m able to help a client. More so, when they are able to achieve their degree.

For the longest time, I’ve been wanting a surprise birthday cake. This even became a part of the bio / description of my IG account. Days before my birthday, I edited my bio which alarmed my friends. Turns out, they were planning something. It was the best birthday after so many years.

To start new ventures, to tick off items in my bucket list, to manage my financial status, I have a lot in my list for 2017. But if I were to simplify everything, I just want the strength and courage to overcome everything. And for anyone reading this post,  I wish you the same. 🙂 Here’s to a better and happier 2017 for all of us!!!

Hello and Goodbye November

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I remain “post-less” this November. I never got the time and energy to revive this blog. So then again, I’m just writing for the sake of maintaining one post every month. I had some travel opportunities this month. It was great! While some aspects in my life remains unchanged, and still struggling, I would like to believe there are still some  blessings and good things that happened along the way. On my December break, I will write a real post. I have a lot to rethink. I have to layout plans. I have to grow up.

Before October ends

I never had intentions of blogging. I knew I will be writing another sad post. But then again, I promised myself that I will keep this blog alive. I have to upload a post at least once a month.

I was about to start my daily exercise when I decided to logged in. No entry for October and it’s the 31st already.

My career plans are still on status quo. From the looks of everything, the only way for me to progress is to move to another job. Before moving on, I have to undergo the process of job search again. For someone in her 30s, finding a job becomes more challenging especially if your portfolio does not speak of any supervisory experience. I check my Job Street account once in a while but  nothing interests me. A few days ago, I revisited a previous company that interviewed me many years ago. There was a position that suits my expertise. It’s a different position though. I was in the brink of submitting my resume not until I checked their reviews on Glassdoor. This website serves as a blessing and a curse. It’s great to have a central feedback system from the employees of different companies. But the negative feedback are disgusting and will make one think twice of pursuing the application. Unfortunately for this company who interviewed me years ago…. the reviews are too negative. Their acceptance rating are relatively low, compared to the average of other companies. So there, I did not pursue the application.

I have become more confused. I’m not sure if I should still pursue my intentions to leave my current job and employer. The worsening traffic in Manila has also discouraged me to apply for other companies situated in the central business districts of Makati and BGC. Friends and relatives who work in those areas devote almost 8 hours a day just for travel. Four hours in the morning and another four hours in the evening under worst conditions.

Added to all my worries, my financial management issues remain unresolved…. It’s hard to grow up. It’s harder when you are forced to grow up.

While the status of my job / career remain unquestionable, part of me wants to excel in other fields of discipline. I wanted my freelance work to prosper and my blog life to progress. I maintain another blog that is “happier”, “livelier” and I guess, more positive. My long term dream is to be recognized by a brand, become partners with them or obtain a part time work /partnership from blogging. Although I don’t want to level up to excessive commercialism, I hope to level up my blogging and writing portfolio. If I can’t get promoted or progress at work, maybe in other domains.

Every now and then, I fear that I would retire and die with nothing. If I will not have my own family, I want to be respected in my domain. I want to excel at least in one area. If my current job will not provide it, at least other fields like blogging, writing and recently, prettifying my instagram account. Hahaha This is a new found hobby I discovered lately. I love doing flat lays, editing photos and hoping to land on a spread of a lifestyle magazine… or become a part of a brand / company with this hobby.

So there goes my rant again. 🙂 Apologies for spreading some negative vibes here. Despite the struggles, I can’t wait for the day when I will write a happy post again.