Restless

Freelance works accomplished! If this happened a year or months ago, it will be one of those days when I could say, I’m at my best. My heart is full from hearing a thankful client. I’m happy for the simple reason that I accomplished something. I’ve done something good. But life is so much different today. I’m on a difficult transition period. I need to make a life changing decision.

In the recent years, I’ve been struggling of my static work life. I feel hopeless. I get depressed of the fact that I’m in my 30s, remains unaccomplished. It doesn’t help that I see contemporaries at the prime of their career. I feel depressed of the fact that I will remain as a staff for the rest of my life. A limited salary, debts to pay and all the fears of not being able to support my aging parents and special brother. Once in a while, I detach myself from reality by daydreaming of a better life. It feels great but after a while, I’m back to my pathetic self. I read, reread and continuously get attracted by articles covering topics on, signs that you need to leave your workplace, when you should resign, signs of being dissatisfied with your work. The messages are the same. All signs tell me, time to look for better opportunities.

I started seeking jobs since 2015. Only one application prospered, it was from another school within Manila. I was nearing to employment, but decided to forgo. There was something about the environment. I didn’t like the initial description of work given. A typical day is having meetings with people …. Oh no, hosting meetings are not my cup of tea. I’m aware that being employed also means attending meetings. However, doing it on a daily basis is not for me. I stopped seeking work from 2017 to 2018. The hopelessness still thrived in me but in general, 2018 felt good. Maybe because of the continuous downpour of freelance works, the presence of my friends and my family remained healthy. I’m not really sure, but as far as my feelings can remember, 2018 was great.

I left 2018 on a positive note, hoping and praying that 2019 will remain the same. But as always, life has other plans. Life is filled with surprises. Some pleasant, some will test your strength and character.

My immature self is telling me, I should have been thankful of my static career life. Life was simpler and less complicated. Everything remained steady. That alone is more than enough reason to feel happy and contented. Times like this make me appreciate those days. I may not have everything I wanted, but the silence and stillness of life is priceless.

These days, I feel restless. I’ve been living with all the fears and worries the past weeks. Anyone reading this, I would really appreciate your prayers.

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