The pain of deciding

For the longest time, I’ve been preventing myself to blog. If this happened to me several years ago, I will surely be blogging every single day. I would be writing my thoughts. I would be venting out.  This is not my best time….

It’s more than the suspension I received. All the while, I thought that the next days would mean coping with the stigma of having a suspension record. I think I have surpassed that. I’m beginning to enter the stage of acceptance. It’s been two weeks since everything happened. What I didn’t expect are the succeeding realizations and probably, another set of my overanalysis that leads to paralysis moments.

Prior to reporting back for work, I did something I’m not sure if I should regret. I wrote a letter to my Boss. I expressed all my sentiments about the suspension. I admitted that everything was all my fault. Me and my selfish self. Along the way however, I also related how I feel about him. How I felt when he handed my suspension. How I developed some ill feelings about him. I sent that email thursday night and before friday ended, I received a response from him. Basing from the tone of the letter, I felt that he was also in pain. I was expecting it. He defended himself. I became uneasy for the succeeding days. On his end, he probably felt the same. There were no words spoken. I left everything on that email.

The days at work continued. I thought I will be fine. It helped a bit that I had some company. I don’t know if my friend A intentionally did it. We were going home together for one week. It’s been a while since I had a friend. We never talked about my suspension anymore. We enjoyed each other’s company and all the great food around. The next week, God was probably telling me, I should be on my own. I was going home on my own again. I was having lunch breaks on my own. I was doing everything on my own. I thought I would be fine. The past week was a complete turn around. I was crying on my own during lunch breaks. I later realized how sad it is to be friendless at the workplace. I remember my dearest friend T, who already moved to another workplace. She has moved on. While me? I’m all alone on my desk. I now realize, I should have been counting my blessings before. Having T around years ago made everything different. Working has never been the same. My only consolation here, I’m very well adept with my work. God, I’ve been here for a decade. Not that I’m doing the same job. But 10 years on the same workplace, gave me enough confidence that I can always make things happen. Work is manageable and easy. I feel smart and confident. With this comfort zone is the trade off that I’m friendless.This made me remember the findings in my masteral thesis. People remain and become committed to their respective workplace if they have friends and experience positive co-worker relationships. It’s only now that I realize that my 10 years of holding on to the workplace is also accounted from T and the other friends who also left.

In the middle of this loneliest week, we received the notification from the Office of the HR. It’s promotion year again. Everyone is probably happy, except me. I cannot be promoted for two reasons. The suspension record and the fact that I’ve already hit the promotion ceiling. No more career growth. No more promotion. And just like that, I had those crying moments again. It was lunch time. I ate on my own and suddenly, I felt tears. It was one of those time when I needed a friend. I needed someone to listen. I need a hug. The more I pitied myself. The next day gave me more struggles of tears and sadness. Each lunch time became a crying session. I don’t know if I realize it but I believe, I’ve been having lunches on my own after 10 years. I have survived it because I occasionally have lunch buddies. But those instances can be counted. Given that I survived it for 10 years, why everything is becoming more difficult and painful now?

Some weeks ago I was exchanging text with another friend. In the middle of our conversation she told me that the leaving the first workplace is the hardest. True enough. It goes with the saying, the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave I’m not yet leaving but with the way things are going, all circumstances are telling me to give myself that chance. The problem with me is that I developed all the emotional attachment with my current workplace. I’ve learned to love it despite of all its weaknesses and imperfections. I had all the reasons to leave but that emotional investment is really killing me. 10 years? It’s not easy to surrender a decade of love, loyalty and dedication.  But over the past days, I’ve been having the feeling of being left out in my current workplace. I feel so alone. I feel all the forces telling me, you shouldn’t be here. You don’t belong here.

As I reach my home, I find myself in the company of my retired parents. God, I wanted to cry more. They have been taking care of me since I was born. I owe them a lot. I owe them a good life. All the more I realize that I have to search for better opportunities, better paying job. This made me remember a conversation I had with my mother a few months ago. My mother was insisting, I should not leave my current workplace. The exact words she rendered, Anak magtiyaga ka na sa trabaho mo. Maganda naman diyan. It hit me. I was again torn into pieces. Mother knows best. I have always respected and obeyed my mother. I wanted to obey her this time. My heart and my desire to stay in my comfort zone are telling me to stay to my current workplace. But given the current circumstances, I know. It’s time to get things going. It’s time to explore opportunities. I’m in my 30s and if I would consider new opportunities, this is the stage that it should happen. It’s now or never for me.

3 thoughts on “The pain of deciding

  1. Not entirely the same feeling for me. Though I felt that sense of urgency that “It’s now or never for me.” too. It’s true, “the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave”. I don’t even know now what it is like to go ‘outside’.

    Good luck sa aten. 😀

    1. Hello! Thank you for stopping by my blog. I feel guilty tuloy. Hindi ako nakakapagcomment. I visited lately, ang dami ko ng na-miss. May Australia chronicles na.

      Good luck talaga sa atin. Pero sana before the year ends, better things will be coming for us.

      Thank you for patiently reading and commenting on my drama. 🙂

      1. lol no worries. kahit naman ako bihira rin magbasa at magcomment. now lang kasi na wala akong magawa dito kesa maaning at iuntog ang ulo sa pader e got to find something to do na lang hahaha. ang haba ng tag-lish sentence na yan.

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