When my lone best friend at the workplace informed me of her abrupt resignation, I was shaken and awakened. More than the tears and sadness, I suddenly became more concerned with my own career life. What now for me? Everyone is gone? What about me?
Amidst the sadness, I felt more pathetic. I turned freaking 30, the age I’ve been dreading. Months before my birthday, I’ve been avoiding the thought of planning this critical decade of my life. My carefree 20s is over. It’s time to get serious. What I do in this age will shape my life.
My career is always one of my primary considerations. I’ve been working in the same company for 10 years. Adding up to my own world record, I was in the same company after college. Before, I was proud. Today, I feel ashamed. What’s with the loyalty?
Months from now, I’m a 10-year service awardee on the annual employees’ awards night. No offense meant, but I never felt proud of loyalty awards. For me, they are the cheapest form of achievement. Forgive me dear friends, readers and colleagues; this is only a personal and biased opinion.
Whenever I’m reminded of my 10 years in the same company, I dread the thought of being weak and complacent. I was never too brave to move out of my comfort zone. I was avoiding challenges. I deprived myself to experience greater things. But then again, whenever I would hear the rants and complaints of friends about their work life, I’m attacked by the guilt of becoming rather thankful.
But seriously, even though I feel that I don’t have a sense of direction, I do have my own dreams for my work, family and life. Perhaps, here are some of them.
I need to have a clear career path – Someone unintentionally offended me recently. She said that at my age, I should have noted achievements. Reading her mind, she meant high position in the company, own car, real estate and that overflowing money. I almost wanted to say, you could have just slapped me.
I’m burdened with all the stupid debts I made. I don’t have that savings account that can assure approval of all visa applications. I remain as the technical staff behind my boss. I’m nothing to her predefined indicators of successes. To redeem my dwindling self-esteem, I can proudly claim that I worked hard for everything I have. I never cheated. I’m cleaning up my own financial mess without the salvation of my parents.
I wanted to write – My job permits me to write. It’s just that I write about things that bore most people. I write technical reports. I translate numbers to words. Other than the confidential technical reports hidden, buried and later forgotten by everyone, I wanted to venture in creative writing. Better yet, I want to get published.
I want financial independence – Dear God, please help me. While most people would dream of winning the lottery (I’m a virgin to this), I wanted additional work. I dream of more freelance writing jobs. More than the money, I need the assurance that I worked hard for everything I have.
To have a stable freelance work – I encountered a blogger, who boasted that her earnings are more than enough to survive her basic needs. Her earnings from her full time job remain untouched. Another famous blogger admitted that her monthly online earnings equated to the monthly salary of a pilot in this luxurious airline.
I’m not dreaming of a six-figure income every month. It’s way too much for me and my family. I also believe that having more than enough is either way, unhealthy. I want my career in freelance writing to cover up my monthly expenses. My earnings from my full time job will then be set aside for savings and investment.
If possible, I’m also looking at the direction of becoming a full time freelancer. My previous works enabled me to realize that I can work from home. I become more productive when everyone is asleep. I’m able to write from midnight till dawn. I sleep during the day so the chance of going out and attacked by my shopaholic hormones is avoided.
Lastly, I want to have my own family – Cliché of all the clichés! I once had an online conversation with a friend. My dear friend is having a financially abundant life in another country. It was her dream. When she asked me what I want to achieve, I replied without hesitation… I wanted to meet Mr. Right and have my own family. Even though our conversation happened through an online chat, I sensed her disappointment. She simply replied, ah okay. She later confided what happened to my brain?!? What happened to the class valedictorian?! Well apparently, my heart is getting bigger than my brain. Hence, the emotional outbursts and posts in this blog.
I think I’m talking too much. It’s 11:26 pm, in a few minutes this rare holiday break is over. I’ve broken my hiatus in this blog. This is enough for me and for everyone who have been patiently reading my rants.