I want my old self

I haven’t been writing for quite a while. I’m occupied with too many tasks lately. There was a sudden downpour of work related to teaching. I’m experiencing some kind of a writer’s block for my documentation project at the office. On weekends and weeknights, I’m juggling in between two to three freelance tasks. As much as I want to decline the freelance work, I can’t refuse the additional earnings. Call me dead hungry for money, this is reality for me. I will whole-heartedly embrace an opportunity for freelance work. It can settle my stupid and immature debts caused by that evil rectangular device. The additional earning also becomes a blessing for the bread winner in me.

At some point, I’d like to believe that I’m not really busy. I should not have been stressed and exhausted.  The real problem arises because I’ve been much disorganized. I’m way different than my 21 year old self. I was more productive on those years when I just started work. Added to these are my punctuality problems that started last year. Why can’t I force myself to wake up early? I’m way better years ago. I was never late for work. I’m almost qualified for perfect attendance award. My colleagues know me as the last person who will incur a record of tardiness. But today? I will not be surprised but I’m still praying that I’m not the statistical leader for the most number of tardiness incurred.

I have a feeling that I’m already tired of working. I’m exhausted and saturated with the daily routine. I found my comfort zone as a result of almost 10 years of working in the same company. Hence, I’m no longer challenged. I’m no longer motivated. All in all, these made me the lousiest employee. I’m no longer an asset. I’m becoming a liability for the company. There were days when I report for work and ended up doing nothing. I always feel tired and sleepy. I will stare at my computer’s screen for hours. I will start typing words for my documentation project. After finishing one paragraph, I will realize that I’m creating nothing but mess.

If I will follow my selfish instinct, I would leave my current work. I would rest for a while and transfer to another and hopefully, better company. But with the way things are going, this would mean jumping off to the cliff of uncertainty. I need my current and stable job to finance the needs of the family, settle the debts and finally build that secured savings account.

Sigh… All I wanted was that old yet fiery energy, optimism and passion that used to thrive in me.

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5 thoughts on “I want my old self

  1. Do what needs to be done, and hang in there. If you do something drastic like throwing out your bread and butter, then you’re just jumping from the frying pan into the fire. it’s cliche , i know, but it still best describes your situation . Be patient.

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