I have this unusual habit of suddenly cleaning and organizing my things whenever something is not going right in my life. If I feel sad and frustrated, this is one of my peculiar coping mechanisms. I don’t know but I believe that tidying up things in my life is my first step to recovery. If I am able to set things in order, I can better understand my situation. I can easily identify the ways on how to escape from my own misfortune and sadness. Despite the line up of works to be completed this day, I found myself cleaning my own workstation. My trash bin is almost erupting with the papers and all the unnecessary things I have collected.
Before we lost Anna, I admit that I already have some issues with my work and career. I thought that one great blessing and opportunity in Taiwan will bring a new spark in my career. When I was transferred to another office, I thought things will be better. I just hope my boss will not be able to read this. In case he encounters this, I want to say that fake, cliche and irritating movie line “Sir, it’s not you. This is about me.” I just feel that I am a huge crap now. My Boss is the most patient and understanding of all. I just feel frustrated that I cannot compensate his hardwork and all the great treatment he has been giving me.
When I was still taking my Masteral studies, one of my professors shared an odd practice which I never believed to persist. He told us that he only stays in a certain company for a maximum of 3 to 5 years. He believes that a person is only as good and motivated to his work in such span of time. An employee who works for a company for a very long time will eventually lose his interest to work. He will later be eaten by the negative system that he has been used to from the company. Am I beginning to experience this? If I will diagnose myself, this is the nearest disease that I feel is plaguing me.
One of my greatest fears in life is to become an employee who lives for payday. Oh Dear God, please don’t make it happen. I feel that I can still achieve and accomplish a lot for myself and the company. It’s just that at this point, I can’t find the lever to push me back to my old energetic and happy self.