Push me back

I have this unusual habit of suddenly cleaning and organizing my things whenever something is not going right in my life. If I feel sad and frustrated, this is one of my peculiar coping mechanisms. I don’t know but I believe that tidying up things in my life is my first step to recovery. If I am able to set things in order, I can better understand my situation.  I can easily identify the ways on how to escape from my own misfortune and sadness. Despite the line up of works to be completed this day, I found myself cleaning my own workstation. My trash bin is almost erupting with the papers and all the unnecessary things I have collected.

Before we lost Anna, I admit that I already have some issues with my work and career. I thought that one great blessing and opportunity in Taiwan will bring a new spark in my career. When I was transferred to another office, I thought things will be better. I just hope my boss will not be able to read this. In case he encounters this, I want to say that fake, cliche and irritating movie line “Sir, it’s not you. This is about me.”  I just feel that I am a huge crap now. My Boss is the most patient and understanding of all. I just feel frustrated that I cannot compensate his hardwork and all the great treatment he has been giving me.

When I was still taking my Masteral studies, one of my professors shared an odd practice which I never believed to persist.  He told us that he only stays in a certain company for a maximum of 3 to 5 years. He believes that a person is only as good and motivated to his work in such span of time. An employee who works for a company for a very long time will eventually lose his interest to work. He will later be eaten by the negative system that he has been used to from the company. Am I beginning to experience this? If I will diagnose myself, this is the nearest disease that I feel is plaguing me.

One of my greatest fears in life is to become an employee who lives for payday. Oh Dear God, please don’t make it happen. I feel that I can still achieve and accomplish a lot for myself and the company. It’s just that at this point, I can’t find the lever to push me back to my old energetic and happy self.


One thought on “Push me back

  1. Your post brought tears to my eyes – I am so sorry. Please know that work will probably not seem the same for a while. Personally, I have found that it is not the amount of time you spend in one job, or company or a career. It is the meaning that we find in it. Give yourself time to separate your emotions. If you truly find that you have lost passion for work work, it may be time for a career “pivot”.

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