I lost the hunger

I lost the hunger.

My eagerness to improve my life started during my college years. After being confined in a prestigious all girls school for 10 years, college life made me experience a drastic change.

I used to be exposed with the glamor and prestige of an expensive private school. Everyday was like a display of branded bags, shoes and expensive gadgets. When I went to the university, I was exposed to the reality of life. In a class of 30 students, less than 5 students have mobile phones. Most of my classmates came from provinces and have to sacrifice living in dormitories or work as household helper to a relative. Some of my classmates don’t even own a decent pair shoes. Most of us don’t have computers in the comfort of our own homes. Most of us can’t even purchase a paperback textbook.

The face of poverty in the university fueled my eagerness to persevere. That was my biggest goal as a young adult. I wanted to move out of the big place of poverty.

I was able to achieve my first dream. I was able to finish my studies on time. Earning my degree however didn’t stop me dreaming. My second dream was to get a decent, high paying and right job. When I say the “right job,” I meant the job where I will be able to utilize my expertise. I have high hopes for myself. I don’t want to land on any job. I wanted to be in the field of research. I want to grow in a job where I can write and produce critical studies. After tireless months of job search, I was hired as a Researcher in a reputable academic institution. The second dream was achieved.

When I was already working, my next dream was to acquire my masteral degree. I again made it. After a year of working, I enrolled for my graduate studies. Time flew so fast and 3 years after, I made it. I acquired my MBA. People who pursue their graduate studies normally receive a promotion. My case was different. I am still a silent Researcher. I was just given a minimal salary upgrade. No career advancement opportunities for me.

The greatest opportunity I received from acquiring my masteral degree was when I was finally given the chance to teach. My silent dream of becoming an educator was fulfilled. My first months in teaching added new challenges and “real life” to my life.

After all those fulfilled dreams, what I am right now? I am still a rank and file employee and a part time educator. It is the same old life.

Before, I felt so alive. I live each day with the hunger of reaching my ambitions. I once thought that the fulfillment of those dreams will later on translate to unending happiness. In reality, or perhaps just in my case, I realized that the fulfillment of dreams does not after all guarantee continuous happiness. I have now reached the point of asking myself, “So, what now?”

Perhaps I am just bored with my monotonous life. I work on weekdays and rest on weekends. Work, sleep, eat and reward myself with shopping, this is my life. Everything is a perfect routine. I am in a dead end where nothing more and nothing less is bound to happen.

If I start to build new dreams, will that revive my eagerness and hunger to live? Can new opportunities save me from the abyss of sadness and misery?

I just lost the hunger to live.

I still have dreams and I still continue to dream. But unlike those days, my level of eagerness and perseverance was not anymore that intense. I dream of experiencing “real promotion.” But my current situation manifests impossibility. I want to produce a research that will give me an international presentation and publication. My current position does not really give me an opportunity to research. I want to achieve something from writing. I don’t have critics to train and hone me. I depend on myself. So how could I even get an inch nearer to that dream? My current situation and appearance also do not favor the fulfillment of that silent wish I have been praying for years.

When I realized that I am faced with impossibilities, I’m starting to feel weak, useless and worthless.

I lost that hunger to dream.

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